Have you considered a career in the CIA?

As many young people have recently graduated college they may receive employment brochures in the mail.  As a public service to my readers I now present one of them:

Hello to all recently graduated college students.  

My name is John O. Brennan and I am the director of the Central Intelligence Agency.  Many of you are no doubt wondering what sort of career path do you want to take?  Is a career as a civil servant for me?  My major was puppetry and I minored in patriarchal oppression.  Does this qualify me for a career in the CIA?  I am 100,000 dollars in debt from my student loan.  Will a career in the CIA allow me to pay that off?

Rest assured the CIA is a glamorous, inclusive place to work.  Many of our employees have advanced degrees in puppetry, lesbian studies and patriarchal oppression.  You will fit right in.  And since you took out a government-sponsored student loan it is only appropriate that you get a job in the government.  Because, after all, the government is the only thing we all belong to.

As a CIA employee you will have the chance to visit exotic foreign locations such as Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq and Libya.  Also, we are currently looking for a new ambassador to Libya.  Our last one was kinetically de-lived because of a spontaneous demonstration over a YouTube video that insulted the prophet.  Allah is great!

But what about benefits?  Rest assured the CIA has some of the best benefits currently available.  After 20 years in the employ of the CIA you will be eligible to retire.  With a new identity.  Privacy is very important to us.  Rest assured that we at the CIA take threats against our employees very seriously.  That’s why all retirees are entered into the CIA Employee Relocation Program.  Having spent a lifetime defending America from terrorist threats such as the teabaggers and the Constitution you will have gained plenty of enemies.  That’s why you will be receiving free plastic surgery to alter your appearance.

But what about dental?

At the CIA you will have no need to worry about teeth.  Because dental records can be used to identify an operative you will have all your teeth pulled out and replaced by microchips.

Maternity leave?

We at the CIA are sensitive to our employees personal needs.  However at the time we offer no maternity leave.  In fact we discourage our employees from having children.  Children lead to global warming.

Now as you may be aware, the CIA station Chief in Kabul was recently outed.  We regret this almost as much as we do global warming which is caused by humans. Humans using 100 watt light bulbs.  

If you happen to be accidentally outed, probably by a tea-bagging enemy of our President, your security and safety will be our top priority. Though really what difference does it make?

However all CIA operatives are given a stick.  A sharp stick.  You can use this sharp stick to fight off those who follow the Religion of Peace™ as you make a frantic dash to the border.

Do not get captured though. The United States does not negotiate with terrorists. Unless we are trying to gain the release of a private who may possibly be a follower of the prophet.

If  in the unlikely event your captors from the Religion of Peace™ inform you that you will be executed, die in the knowledge that your death is helping to stop global warming.

So consider a career in the CIA.  You won’t be sorry.  Unless you get outed, want children or want to keep your teeth.

Sincerely, 

John O. Brennan, Director, Central Intelligence Agency

I should apply.  I’ve already lost most of my teeth so I’d be a good fit.

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