Your 2014 Yankees: The Vulnerable Groin Area Edition!

“No game in the world is as tidy and dramatically neat as baseball, with cause and effect, crime and punishment, motive and result, so cleanly defined”~Paul Gallico

Will someone turn up the infielders hearing aides?

Will someone turn up the infielders hearing aides?

On Thursday night at the House that the Taxpayers of New York City Built™ the Yankees hoped to sweep the Blue Jays and continue their dominance against them at home.

The Yankees started David Phelps (3-4,  4.13) and Toronto Drew Hutchinson (5-5, 3.86).

The Yankees scored in the bottom of the first when Jacoby Ellsbury hit a sacrifice fly that scored Brett Gardner.  1-0 after one.

In the bottom of the second Kelly Johnson hit a sacrifice fly scoring Carlos Beltran.  2-0 Yankees after two.

In the top of the third Toronto tied the score when Melky “Check his ass for needle marks” Cabrera hit a two-run home run.  2-2 after 2 1/2.

In the bottom of the third  the Yankees took the lead again when Carlos “I’m an old man leave me alone” Beltran hit a sacrifice fly scoring Jacoby Ellsbury.  3-2 Yankees after three.

In the bottom of the fifth Beltran hit a ground rule double scoring Ellsbury.  4-2 Yankees after five.

In the bottom of the sixth Derek “My kingdom for a threesome” Jeter grounded out to shortstop, scoring Brian Roberts.  5-2 Yankees after six.

In the bottom of the seventh Yangervis Solarte walked with the bases loaded scoring Mark Teixeira.  6-2 Yankees after seven.

Toronto got two runs back in the top of the eighth when Edwin Encarnation homered.

Final score:  Yankees 6 Toronto 4.

Notes on the game:

There was a little bit of excitement as between innings Melky Cabrera and Francisco Cervelli, two steroid cheats, got into it and started talking trash to each other.  They were probably just comparing needle insertion technique.  Or as the Hispanics say “The white man must never know!’

As all loyal reader(s) of this blog know, The Yankees have lost every game I have gone to this year.  So it’s nice to finally see the old men win.

Today was Mark Teixeira bobblehead night at the stadium. My bobblehead did its Vic Morrow impression and had its head snap off.

This week is HOPE week at Yankee Stadium, an annual event where the Yankees give back to the community and participate in charities.

Or, as Yankee fans call HOPE week, “I HOPE our GM Brian Cashman signs a player under the age of 40.”

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of “I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love” didn’t fire up the crowd.  In fact I was tasered.  Fortunately being a sophisticated man about town I have been tasered by women in many bars so I’ve build up a tolerance.

Reader mail:

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “My dog has targeted my vulnerable groin area!”

Where you watching the World Cup?

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “The State police have targeted my vulnerable groin area.”

Serves you right for not letting the State confiscate your guns.

The infamous reprobate known as M.B. of Brooklyn writes. “If you make up quotes about me again I will target your vulnerable groin area!’

Like I said, I’ve built up a resistance.

Someone called L.T. of Manhattan, who may or may not know S.B. of Hollywood writes, “Is your vulnerable groin area gluten-free?”

No but it is high on sodium.

Recommended reading material:

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce.

My record this year (and this pains my vulnerable groin area) is 1-5.

My next game is Friday, June 27th against the Bahstahn Red Sawks (the cawksahkers!)

Go Yankees!



2 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    >>> My bobblehead did its Vic Morrow impression and had its head snap off.

    You own a helicopter? You’re even cooler than I thought!

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