Former Star Fleet Officers Have Difficulty Adjusting to Civilian Life

The best and the brightest cannot adapt to civilian life.

The best and the brightest cannot adapt to civilian life.

In a previous post I had detailed the problems that former Star Fleet Captain James T. Kirk had adapting to civilian life.  In today’s post I will document the myriad of difficulties the other officers of the Enterprise have encountered in their shift to life after Star Fleet.

First up:  Science offer Spock.

My actions have been highly logical!

My actions have been highly logical!

Having left Star Fleet Spock returned to his home world of Vulcan only to find that he was considered an outcast for joining Star Fleet instead of pursuing a career at the Vulcan Science Academy.

“His course of action was illogical” was the complaint of many Vulcans.

Spock responded by telling his critics that his choice was “highly logical.”

I wonder if my critics know the cost of tuition at the Science Academy.  So I went to the Star Fleet Academy.  It’s a free education and a guaranteed job when I graduate.  You see?  Flawlessly, impeccably logical.  I would tell my critics to go f*ck themselves but such a course of action is illogical.

Discouraged and disillusioned Spock went to Earth and got a job as the host on a revival of the game show “The Weakest Link.” 

“He was a natural” according to producers.

The way he would shout “Your answer is illogical.  You are the weakest link” always thrilled the audience.

However Spock’s success was short-lived.  He was fired after telling the network that moving the show to Friday nights was illogical.  After being fired Spock joined the Star Fleet Merchant Marine where he is the Science and Garbage officer aboard the S.S. Chevy Chase.

Communications officer Uhura,

How else can I make it in a patriarchal society?

How else can I make it in a patriarchal society?

embittered that she was never able to rise above lieutenant in a male-dominated Star Fleet quit and went back to stripping.

“What else do I have besides my body?” she told a friend.

Her career as a stripper did not pan out.  As the victim said at her assault trial:

All I asked for was  a private lap dance.  Instead she pointed a phaser at my balls and said “This is not set on stun.  Give me all your money.”  The f*cking psycho man-hating bitch!

Found guilty Uhura was sentenced to two years in jail.

Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott,

Scottie's alcoholism spelled his doom

Scottie’s alcoholism spelled his doom

hoping to use his engineering skills in civilian life opened a garage in upstate New York. However his business venture was doomed because of Scottie’s hard-core alcoholism.

“He would often be shitfaced by 10 am” said an employee.

Then he would start yelling at the customers, “I can’t change the laws of physics.  I’ve got to give you a new transmission!”

When his garage went out of business a depressed Scott rapidly gained weight and was killed in a shootout at a Burger King when a SWAT team took him down after he refused to leave until he got a refill on his fries.

After leaving Star Fleet Hikaru Sulu

Come for the love.  No judgements!

Come for the love. No judgements!

opened the dating site “Asian Men for Rice Queens.”  

Despite initial success the web site was plagued with technical issues and Sulu was arrested for wire fraud when it was discovered he was using money from his business to fund an extravagant lifestyle for himself and his life partner.  Escaping house arrest before his trial began Sulu now resides in El Salvador.

Pavel Chekov

I hate Muslims!

I hate Muslims!

returned to his home in Russia hoping to become an actor but was killed by Muslim extremists during a production of his namesake Anton Chekhov’s “The Cherry Orchard.

But the most tragic case has to be that of Chief Medical Officer Leonard “Bones” McCoy.

After leaving Star Fleet McCoy

50 million lines of code?

500 million lines of code?

returned to his native Mississippi to become a “country doctor.”  

His practice however did not last long.  Attempting to adjust to Obamacare’s regulations McCoy had a psychotic breakdown and set fire to his office while screaming “500 million lines of code?  I’m a doctor not a software engineer.”

McCoy is currently housed in the Institute for the Terminally Insane outside Atlanta.

And there you have it readers:  The tragic post-Star Fleet careers of the officers of the Enterprise.


4 Responses

  1. You would think that Star Fleet officers would be smart enough to know that you can’t come to an Obamafied nation and hope to survive without drinking the koll-aid. Hikaru Sulu did the only other smart thing. He left for a country where the oligarchs still rule.

  2. petermc3 says:

    I’m happy to report that Hikaru Sulu gained a renewed respect from his former detractors with his scene stealing performance in the critically acclaimed movie “Don’t Mess With The Zohan.”
    Hey Infidel when will you be profiling Diver Dan and Miss Minerva?

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