Please hold. Your call is important to us!

As everyone whose name isn’t Barack Obama knows, the rollout of the Affordable Care Act has been fraught with difficulties including a non-workable web site with over 500,000 million lines of code.  Fortunately for the millions hundreds of thousands tens of thousands, thousands who have tried to sign up via the web site an 800 number is available.  Being the good, patriotic American that I am I called that number, in eager expectation of soon having affordable healthcare.  What follows is the transcript of my chat with their help desk representatives.

[09:33:52 am]: Please be patient while we’re helping other people.

(Five minutes of hold music.  Michael Bolton’s greatest hits.)

[09:38:57 am]: Welcome! You’re now connected to Health Insurance Marketplace Live Chat. Thanks for contacting us. To enter the locker room and talk to other muscle-bound studs with health insurance press one.  If you want to be punished by a dominatrix press two. Para Espanol press three.

[09:39:17 am]: Um.  Hi.  My name is –

[09:39:24 am]: Would you like to enter the locker room?

[09:39:30 am]:  What?  No.  I’m here because I want to be healthy.

[09:39:39 am]:  All our talk center representatives have been checked for STDs.

[09: 39:50 am]:  I just want to buy some health insurance!

[09:40:02 am]:  Well why didn’t you say so?  Para Healthcare press quatro.

(Manhattan Infidel presses four.)

[09:40:17 am]:  Thanks for your interest in the Health Insurance Marketplace. We have a lot of visitors trying to use our website right now. That is causing some glitches for some people trying to create accounts or log in. Keep trying and thanks for your patience. You might have better success during off-peak hours, like later at night or early in the morning or anytime Democrats aren’t running for office or never.

[09:40: 53 am]: Um.  Okay.

[09:40:59 am]:  Don’t lose your sanity over our website.  Try it.  If it doesn’t work, walk away.  Just walk away and refuse to negotiate until the Republicans fold, like President Obama did during the government shutdown.

[09:41: 12 am]:  Okay.  Back to my problem.  I am having problems with the web site. Can you help me buy insurance?

[09:41:23 am]: Please hold while I escalate your call.

[09:42:56 am]:  Hello.  This is President Obama.  Thank you for calling our hotline. Your call is important to us.  

[09:43:13 am]:  Mr. President!  Hello.  My name is Manhattan Infidel.  I’m surprised to hear you on this 800 hotline.  Doesn’t the President have better things to do?

[09:43:35 am]:  As the President I will do anything to enable the success of my signature health care plan.  That includes manning the help line.  Besides, anything to get away from Michelle.  Just between you and me I can’t stand that bitch.

[09:44:03 am]:  Well that’s understandable.  Anyway Mr. President I was wondering if you could help me.  I’m having difficulty buying health insurance on the healthcare.gov web site.

[09:44:20 am]:  Please hold.

(More Michael Bolton music.  Greatest hits.  On a loop.)

[10:02:47 am]:  Hi.  It’s me.  President Obama. I’m back.  Sorry about that.  Jay-Z called and well, you know.  He’s important.

[10:03: 06 am]:  No problem Mr. President.  Thanks for helping me.  Now about my problem.  I want to buy some affordable health –

[10:03:18 am]:  Please hold.

[10:03:26 am]:  Oh for Christ’s sake what now?

(More Michael Bolton Music. Michael Bolton Croons the Ramones.)

[10:19:53 am]:  I’m back.  Thanks for holding. Your call is important to me. Unless you’re a Republican, in which case I won’t negotiate with terrorists.  That was ESPN. They wanted my picks for the NCAA tournament.

[10:20:40 am]:  But that’s not for another six months.

[10:20:53 am]:  Terrorist!

[10:21:09 am]:  I just want to buy some health insurance!

[10:21:30 am]:  Hey, I have to go.  My private helicopter is waiting to fly me to Martha’s Vineyard.  Do you own a helicopter?

[10:21:48 am]:  No.

[10:22:02 am]:  Then you are not worthy of my time.  Goodbye and remember to buy your health insurance or be fined!  I am now transferring you to another help desk agent.

[10:22:19 am]:  Oh come on!

[10:22:30 am]:  Thank you for calling the locker room.  To talk to other hot, horny, muscle-bound studs with health insurance press one.

[10:22:56 am]:  Forget it.  I’m out of here.

(Manhattan Infidel hangs up.)

As you can tell, my experience with the Healthcare.gov 800 number was less than satisfying. But I will try again. For myself.  For America. Because I’m patriotic.  And I can’t afford to pay the fine.

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