Manhattan Infidel’s Guide to Enjoying the Decline and Fall of New York City

Rents should go down.

Rents should go down.

New York City has had a good run the past 20 years.  In fact it’s been a relative paradise to live in compared to big city shitholes such as Chicago and Los Angeles.  But all that is about to change.

New York is poised to elect a former Sandinista,  Bill De Blasio, as our next mayor.  De Blasio is a known opponent of the stop and frisk tactics that have made this city safe.

Many people have asked what this means for New York.  Will there be a return to the dark days of the 1970s? In 2012 there were only 414 murders in New York, as opposed to 3000 during a typical year in the 1970s.

And with the decline and fall of New York City a certainty I now present my guide for enjoying the return to the dark days of the 1970s.

  • I can’t afford a garage and have to park my car in the street.  Will this still be okay?

What are you? A moron?  Your car will be stolen.  And because you were selfish enough to park your car in the street insurance rates will skyrocket.  Thanks asshole.  And why do you have a car anyway?  Use the subway.

  • I tried using the subway but men kept taking their penis out and masturbating in front of me.

So?  It’s a victimless crime.  Don’t be puritanical.  What are you?  A Republican?  A Christian?  A puritanical Republican Christian?  Let the urban youth masturbate in front of you.  He’s redistributing his semen.  Or don’t you believe in socialism?

  • I put a sign in my car window that said “No radio” but it was still stolen.  What do I do?

God you make me sick. Don’t you realize that stealing radios and selling the parts are the only way for many young men of color to make a living?  Or would you rather they were selling drugs?  That’s it isn’t it?  You hate peoples of color.  And you’re a puritanical Christian Republican.  All drugs should be legal.  Only disgusting white folk like yourself feel otherwise.

  • My job requires me to work late and I have to walk to my apartment after dark.  Will I be safe?

No.  But it serves you right for not moving to the suburbs.

  • While jogging in Central Park one night I was attacked by a gang of black youth who raped me repeatedly.  Is this –

I’m going to have to stop you right there.  Why did you notice the skin color of the youth who were raping you?  Are you a Republican?  Don’t mention the skin color of your assailants.  Such information is irrelevant.  I have a question about your attack.  Were the assailants (probably teabaggers) carrying guns?

  • No. They had no guns on them.

Then what the hell are you complaining about? First off, you showed a contemptible superior white attitude by jogging in Central Park.  This attitude no doubt enraged your attackers.  You deserved to be raped!

  • I too was attacked by young black men in Central Park and they carried guns!

While normally opposed to the scourge of guns in this case I applaud the youth for carrying firearms. They have to protect themselves from the NYPD.

  • I think I’ve been shot.

Are you sure?

  • Yes.  I was standing by the window and I heard a “pop” and the window shattered and now blood is flowing from my stomach.

Why the hell were you standing by the window? I can’t help you if you’re going to be a goddamn idiot.  Apply pressure, keep your stomach elevated and sign up for your local Obamacare exchange.

  • I too have been shot.  I wasn’t doing anything.  I wasn’t even standing by my window.  But I’ve been shot and I think I’m going to lose consciousness.

Boo hoo hoo.  Quit your bitching.

  • I got caught in crossfire between rival drug gangs while walking my child to school. I survived by my daughter was shot in the head and is brain dead.

Home school your child.  And stay away from the window.  In fact, board your windows up.  Perhaps buy a pit bull who will tear apart intruders.

This ends the brief but hopefully detailed instructions on how to survive in a declining New York City.

Stay safe.  Stay away from windows.

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8 Comments

8 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    David Dinkins for police commissioner.

  2. What’s the problem. Gun shot wounds are coverd by ObamaCare. Of course you’l need about twenty grand to cover the deductible.

  3. I’m just happy I got to visit New York in its heyday, the Guiliani years. Now it’s going to turn into a dump — again.

  4. Superb post but I was wondering if you could write a litte
    more on this topic? I’d be very thankful if you could elaborate a little bit further.
    Cheers!

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