You are a computer!

James Tiberius Kirk, former captain in the United Federation of Planets has been fired from his civilian job as a desktop support technician.

“It’s true” said his supervisor.  “The guy, well, let’s just say his skill set was minimal.”

After leaving Star Fleet to avoid a court martial for sexual harassment Kirk found his way back back to his hometown of Riverside Iowa to look for work.

“Riverside ain’t a big city.  As you can imagine we didn’t have many opportunities” said an agent at a local employment agency.

But we don’t have many former Star Fleet captains so we were happy to have him.  I got him a job as as desktop support technician.  It’s a high profile job.  Perfect, or so I thought, for Kirk.  I really messed up on that one. 

As soon as he started complaints would flood in from dissatisfied clients complaining of Kirk’s lack of computer knowledge.

“My laptop lost some data so they sent Kirk to fix it” complained one customer.

At first I was happy to have a hometown hero fixing my computer.  But all he did was yell at it.  “You have disobeyed the Prime Directive.  You are harmful to the body.  The evil must be destroyed.  That is the Prime Directive.  And you are the evil!”  After he said that my computer started smoking and went on fire.  I mean come on!  At least send me someone who won’t destroy my computer.

Within a few days his supervisor at the temp agency was afraid to send him on calls.

“All he did was destroy computers.”

On one occasion Kirk was sent to City Hall.

“So Kirk shows up and destroys everything” said the town supervisor.

All the system needed was some updates.  But Kirk goes all apeshit.  He starts yelling at the server, “You are in error.  You did not discover your mistake.  You have made two errors.  You are flawed and imperfect and you have not corrected by sterilization.  You have made three errors.  You are flawed and imperfect. Execute your prime function!”  Then the server blew up.  Do you know how much money it’s going to cost the city to get new servers? It’s bad enough we are in debt and cannot even afford to pay our retirees their pensions anymore.  Goddamn Kirk.  Bastard should have stayed in space.

Compounding Kirk’s propensity to destroy computers was his unfortunate habit of sexually harassing the female clients.

“He showed up at my house” said one client.

And he didn’t ask me about my computer at all.  The only thing he did was take his clothes off and ask me if I’ve ever done it with a man who’s “slept with a green woman.”  I don’t even want to know what that means.  I had to taser him and kick him out of my house.

Despite the setback Kirk was quick to land back on his feet and has announced his bid for mayor of Riverside.

“Given his lack of technical skill and tendency to harass women he’s a natural for politics” said his campaign manager.

(1832)