Shutdown Over; Freedom Averted!

Senator McCain is proud to announce that the danger of freedom breaking out is over!

Senator McCain is proud to announce that the danger of freedom breaking out is over!

Editor’s Note:  This is a fast-moving story and may change before this post is published.  The worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel will stay on top of this story and report further updates.  Unless I can find a hooker.  If  I can find a hooker then the hell with the story.

News came from behind the barricades today – the shutdown was over!  The danger of freedom has been averted!  Once again the Federal government will protect us and oversee every aspect of our lives.

Many of us were hesitant to believe the good news.  The Shutdown over? I cleaned the blood of the rivals I had killed during the shutdown off me and took their heads out of my refrigerator and put them into the compost recyclables.   Then I headed to my computer to read the details.

Yes, my readers.  The shutdown is over.  The threat of freedom has been averted.  The Federal government is back bigger and stronger than ever.

As a service to my readers I now present some of the following details of the deal that has brought the government back into our lives.  All the details have been verified.  Except for the ones I made up because the hooker has arrived.

  • The debt ceiling has been extended until February.
  • In February the debt ceiling will be extended until May.
  • In May bi-partisan legislation will be introduced abolishing the racist debt limit and giving the United States the ability to spend as much as it wants.  (It’s for the children you neanderthal teabaggers.)

In addition to abolishing the racist debt ceiling the following mandatory duties will be imposed on all American subjects who do not work for the Federal government:

  • All Americans when called upon by Lord Obama will have to give 40 days military service in the field.  They will also have to serve as castle wards for ten days a year.
  • When a woman gets married her father will pay a penalty to the government because when a woman marries the Lord Obama loses her as a worker.
  • Pimp tenure will be brought back into service.  Under pimp tenure all property owners will have to keep and maintain prostitutes for Lord Obama and his army in the mainstream media.
  • Droit du seigneur will be revived.  Under this “right of the Federal employee Lord” all male employees of the Federal government shall have the right to defrock all virgins before they are married.  Virgins who refuse to be deflowered by Federal employees will have their clitoris circumcised.

And there you have it.  Freedom has been averted and we can all once again breathe freely knowing that our Lords and Masters in the Federal government will once again watch over we serfs.

Not that the government got all it wanted.  As a concession it has been decided that all serfs (non-Federal government employees) will have the right to visit national parks and monuments even during a shutdown as long as they pay a fee to their nearest park employee lord.



2 Responses

  1. Thank the gods! If freedom had been imposed on us, we’d have to work for a living. Horrors!

  2. petermc3 says:

    Oh SNAP, my chilluns won’t be haffen to stave no mo yo.

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