Citizens United Against Patrick Duffy!

May I use your shower?

May I use your shower?

Across the United States as the government is shut down and the debt crisis looms citizens have had to deal with a yet more frightening event:  Actor Patrick Duffy of “Dallas” fame has been showing up unannounced at peoples’ homes and using their shower.

“It’s the most bizarre thing I’ve even seen” said a state trooper.

I got a call from saying that there was an unidentified man in a resident’s shower.  At first I thought it might have been a domestic disturbance and those have the potential to be dangerous.  But when I showed up at the residence the man and his wife were outside on the lawn shouting “It’s Patrick Duffy.  He’s in our shower!”  I then asked them who the hell Patrick Duffy was.  They said, “The actor!  From Dallas!”  I asked what Dallas was and they said, “The prime time soap opera from the ’80s.”  Well, I’m not in my 60s so how the hell was I supposed to know.  So I go to the bathroom and there’s the actor in question taking a shower. I tasered him and then placed him in handcuffs.

After posting bond Mr. Duffy then went to another house, broke in and started using the shower.

He barely got out alive that time.  The husband had a shotgun.  I pulled him out of the shower and arrested him.  I also said, “Son, what the hell are you doing?  Are you touched in the head?”  He told me to relax and that last season was a dream. That’s when I beat him unconscious.

Duffy, who insisted that officers refer to him as “Bobby Ewing” then escaped by putting the arresting officers to sleep by reciting the plot points of the new Dallas TV show.

After his escape an APB was placed on Mr. Duffy.  Residents were informed to be on the lookout for unexplained shower usage.

“I don’t need to tell you we’re all a little frightened” said a resident.

Something like this hasn’t happened since Brett Spiner started showing up in the neighborhood and asking people what human emotions were.  We thought that was strange until we remembered that he was an actor after all.

Police have asked that if anyone sees Patrick Duffy to not approach him.

He might be dangerous.  He might be wet.  One thing we know is that he’s very very clean.  For an actor that is.

As for Duffy’s motivations, some believe he is doing this to get America’s mind off the government shutdown and the looming debt ceiling crisis.

“That’s got to be it.  He’s an actor.  They’re noble people” said a reporter for Entertainment Tonight.

Others believe Duffy is doing this because actors are zombies.

They are all weird undead beasts.  Shoot them in the head if you see them” was the advice from one LA resident.

Either way, until Duffy is stopped America will experience a reign of terror it has never seen before.

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6 Responses

  1. It’s understandable. It takes a lot of showers to git the Hollywood slime washed completel off. Imagine how many truck loads of slime they hhad to haul to Dall-ass.

  2. innominatus says:

    Remember that show Duffy did before Dallas? He was some kind of Aquaman dude in a show called Man from Atlantis. Wonder if there is a connection?

  3. petermc3 says:

    A Duffy shower is almost as unpalatable as Gene Kelly twirling that umbrella while singin’ in the rain.

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