Keith Richards Joins Cast of Walking Dead

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The Walking Dead, now starring Keith Richards

The Walking Dead, now starring Keith Richards

The executive producers of AMC’s hit show The Walking Dead have announced that Keith Richards  (pictured here)

Keith Richards on the set of The Walking Dead

Keith Richards on the set of The Walking Dead

No wait, I’m sorry.  That wasn’t Keith Richards.  Here is a recent photo of Keith Richards:

Here is a recent photo of Keith Richards.

Here is a recent photo of Keith Richards.

No wait.  I apologize again.  That wasn’t Keith Richards.  This is Keith Richards:

This is the real Keith Richards

This is the real Keith Richards

I’m sorry.  I feel so embarrassed.  That wasn’t Keith Richards either.  This is an actual photo of Keith Richards:

Keith Richards at a recent press conference

Keith Richards at a recent press conference

My research staff has failed me.  This is the real Keith Richards:

My research staff has finally provided a photo of Keith Richards

My research staff has finally provided a photo of Keith Richards

will be joining the cast for season four.

“Keith is a big fan of the show” said one of the executive producers.

He called up up and said how much he loved watching and could he possibly be on the show.  At least I think that’s what he said.  All I could really catch were the words “heroin” repeated over and over.  So we immediately signed him to a six episode story arc.  He’ll be playing a zombie that penetrates the prison our survivors are hiding at and threatens everyone.  Keith has been great to work with.  All he asked for was that his character be written realistically and reflect the inner dignity of zombies.  And heroin.  Lots of heroin.  Fortunately as a Hollywood producer I always have a supply of heroin close at hand.

The producers have touted the hiring of Richards as an example of “Cinéma vérité .”

We are all proud to be associated with this show.  But we must acknowledge the fact that the cast is noninclusive in that they are all still alive.  Mr. Richards has been dead for over 35 years and he will bring an important zombie perspective to the show.  The first three years were told from the point of view of the living.  We want to move in a new direction.  Richards will provide that.  And he’s going to save us money since we won’t have to put any makeup on him.

Richards’ hiring was hailed by the Zombie Anti-Defamation League as an important step forward in the portrayal of zombies.

For years Hollywood has hired the living to portray zombies, putting them in zombie black face so to speak.  This has been painful for all of us.  Either that or they would hire zombies but have them hide their zombie heritage.  Yes, I am referring to Lee Majors.

“Zombies are the new gays, who are the new blacks” said series star Andrew Lincoln.  “I welcome Keith to the cast.”

As for Richards, he has expressed excitement over his new role.

“Heroin!  Heroin!  Heroin” he repeatedly exclaimed at the press conference announcing his hiring.

“I may run out of heroin” said a producer.  “This hasn’t happened since I made that movie with River Phoenix.”

(18745)

6 Responses

  1. Richards has been rolled uder too many stones. Either thhhat or he’s so stoned he must be rolled around.

  2. petermc3 says:

    I dig the Paulie Chestnuts coif.

  3. Matt says:

    This confirms my theory that Richards died sometime in the early 1970’s, and that there was sufficient drugs in his system to keep his corpse animated for decades to come.

  4. As Keith’s personal representative I cordially invite all the above mentioned tools to go fuck themselves.

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