Is there nothing the government doesn’t own?

Water is life.  But water is scarce nowadays.  I went down to the river but the riverbank had been closed off by barricades.  The Federal government owns the water.

I tried to get past the barricades but a park ranger told me to move along.  Like all good Americans I owe my allegiance to the holy Federal government and their appointed employees. So I walked away.  I would have to get liquid somewhere else.

There are dead bodies mangled in the barricades.  Obviously they had tried to get past them but were cut down by the moral authority of the Federal park rangers.

With no access to water the neighborhood has broken down into two groups:  The blood drinkers and the urine drinkers.

Without the guidance of the Federal government humanity seems to be regressing.  Without the Federal government to tell us what do civilization is collapsing.

There was a time when order prevailed.  All Americans looked to the Federal government for strength and iPhones. All that has disappeared.

There is weird chanting in the neighborhood:  “Pray.  Pray to the half-chocolate man and the government will return!”

It has been a week since the government deserted us.  No one can even remember the President’s name anymore.  Nothing but a vague memory of a man from Hawaii named Barry.  This is who the neighborhood prays to now.  They pray to the half-chocolate man and they sacrifice their offspring to him.

“It’s for the children” said one woman before throwing her child on the fire.  “Well, not these children obviously.  But the next ones.”

It is time for one man to restore hope to fallen humanity.  I have decided that man is me.

At night I found a dead body in the street.  He was wearing a strange blue uniform and had a bag by his feet.  I opened the bag to find letters.

This is how I will restore hope to America.  I will pretend I am a postman.   I will pretend to deliver mail from outside the barricades.  Mail from far away places.  Mail from Washington D.C.

Mail is delivered by the Federal government.  Mailmen are Federal employees.  If they see me dressed as a mailman they will have hope again.  Hope and change.  Hope and change and iPhones.

So the next morning I stepped outside dressed as a mailman with my bag of letters.  I was surrounded by a crowd who were anxious for news from outside the barricades.

I addressed the crowd:

I believe in America.  I believe in the Federal government, which is functioning again by the way.  Yes.  The federal government has reconstituted itself and the President’s name is……..Richard Starkey!

I then sat down and looked at their faces.  Many were in tears at the news that the Federal government was once again functioning.  Yes, it was a lie.  But it gave hope to the masses.

Except for one person who stood up and said, “What, couldn’t Pete Best get elected?”

I had to  kill him and drink his blood.  Sometimes force is necessary to maintain hope.  And change.  And iPhones.

This is Manhattan Infidel.  I am the postman.

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