Car Chase, Shootout Near Capitol Building; Motive Unclear and We Don’t Want to Speculate But It’s the Tea Party’s Fault for Holding America Hostage

Why do teabaggers want to destroy America?

Why do teabaggers want to destroy America?

An unidentified woman took Washington D.C. police on a car chase and was shot dead near the Capitol building.  The scene is still chaotic and shifting and as a service to my readers I take you live to CNN’s coverage.

Wolf Blitzer: I am standing a block from the U.S. Capitol Building, which is in lock down.  Why is it locked down? A woman drove a car through a police barricade near the Capitol and was shot dead.  How did this happen? Is this a terrorist attack?  Is the driver a member of the Tea Party?  Is she obsessed with Obamacare?  Does she hate black people?  These are all valid questions and I don’t have the answers at the moment so I’ll just say “yes” to everything.  I’m here with Washington D.C. Police Chief Cathy Lanier.  Cathy, are you related to former baseball player Hal Lanier?

Cathy Lanier:  Um, no.

Wolf Blitzer: Are you sure?  Don’t lie to me.  I work for CNN.

Cathy Lanier: No.  I’m not related to Hal Lanier.

Wolf Blitzer: I’m speaking with DC Police Chief and relative of former major league baseball player Hal Lanier, Cathy Lanier.  Cathy, may I call you Ahaziah?

Cathy Lanier: What?

Wolf Blitzer: Ahaziah, can you tell us in your own words what happened.

Cathy Lanier: Yes.  At approximately 3:30 a woman ran a barricade.  Officers began pursuit.  The suspect was eventually shot dead.

Wolf Blizter: Ahaziah, what was your first thought when you heard that there was a car chase and fifteen shots fired?  Did you fear it was a terrorist attack?

Cathy Lanier: Actually that’s pretty much a typical day here in D.C.

Wolf Blitzer: There are reports that there was a one-year old child in the car.  Is this correct?

Cathy Lanier: Yes.  After the car crashed and the suspect died police did find a child in the back seat.

Wolf Blitzer: Did you arrest the child?  Is it Sarah Palin’s child?  You know she has a retarded kid so it’s probably a teabagger.

Cathy Lanier: I have no information on that.

Wolf Blitzer: Are you sure the child isn’t Sarah Palin’s?  A child filled with extremist anti-government sentiment?

Cathy Lanier: Again, I don’t know.

Wolf Blitzer: Is the child in custody?  Was he arrested?

Cathy Lanier: No.  We had a female officer grab the child.

Wolf Blitzer: And then what happened?

Cathy Lanier: Well, it is a one-year old child.  It was crying and it spit up on the officer.

Wolf Blitzer: Spit up?  It spit on the officer?  Was it chemical spit?  Was this a chemical attack?  Has the UN been notified?

Cathy Lanier: No Wolf.  The child was frightened and just spit up as all young children do.

Wolf Blitzer You’re withholding the truth from me Ahaziah.  Or should I call you a close relative of Hal Lanier?

Cathy Lanier: For the last time I am not related to Hal Lanier.

Wolf Blitzer: Well there you have it viewers.  Capitol Hill is still in lock down because of the government shutdown.  A woman, presumably a teabagger has been shot dead.  Her child has attacked a police officer with chemical weapons. Is this the end, my only friend?  The end? Can you picture what will be so limitless and free desperately in need of some stranger’s hand in a desperate land? Lost in a Roman wilderness of pain and all the children are insane.  I’m Wolf Blitzer live at the Capitol saying it hurts to set you free but you’ll never follow me the end of laughter and soft lies the end of nights we tried to die.  This is the end.

Cathy Lanier: You’re insane.

Um.  Thank you, Wolf.  And for my readers, I give you the career stats of Hal Lanier:

Hal Lanier Statistics


1 Comment

One Response

  1. CNN should put Wolf Blitzer on a shorter leash. The woman was obviously an illegal immigrant looking for her free Obanaphone. Those trigger happy cops shot her in cold blood because that’s what gun-tooting cops do.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>