We ask all Americans to stay off the internet until we are able to spy on you again

From:  NSA Headquarters, Ft. George G. Meade, Maryland

To:  All Americans

As you may know the Federal government is currently shut down.  This has caused pain and distress for all Americans, not just the majority employed by the Federal government.

National parks are shut down.   The Navy-Air Force game has been cancelled. The First Lady Michelle Obama has had to curtail her Twitter account. Tourists from good countries such as England and Scotland have been inconvenienced.  (We don’t care about the tourists from those icky, sweaty southern European countries.) And most importantly our ability to spy on Americans has been severely curtailed.

On behalf of all essential non-furloughed employees of the NSA (re:  management) we apologize for this.

Right now many Americans are surfing the “internet” and we have not been able to track this.

Since we do not know when the shutdown will be over we request that all Americans refrain from using their computers or smart phones.

You may be asking why this is necessary.  By data-mining all your internet and phone activity we are able to keep the United States safe from terrorist attacks from anti-government extremists such as Republicans and tea baggers.

If you must use the internet we ask that you keep strict records of every site you have visited, the length of your visit and the purpose of your visit.

Once this data has all been gathered we ask that you email it to:

WespybecausetheConstitutionsayswecan@nsa.com

You will receive an email confirmation from the NSA that we have received your data.

If your data reveals any disturbing trends (such as visiting conservative blogs) you will receive a visit from an NSA representative and may be asked to take a lie detector test.  Please note that a lie detector test does not prove your guilt.  But it is a clear indication of dangerous thought.  And this will not be tolerated since it is a threat to our freedom.

Also we ask that you refrain from taking pictures of your genitalia with your smartphone until this crisis is over.  With our I.T. staff furloughed we have had difficulty processing the genitalia pictures.

Once funding for the government has been continued you can resume taking photos of your so-called “junk” and sending them to:

Showusyourjunk@nsa.com

Thank you.  And god bless the Federal government.

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