Let them drink water!

First lady Michelle Obama has started a new campaign to get Americans to drink more water.

“Water is cheap.  Water is pure.  Water is renewable.  There is so much water can do for us” declared the First Lady.

Since launching my anti-obesity campaign in 2010 I have been concerned about the health of Americans.  What can I do to make it better?  Usually when I’m concerned about my health I fly to Paris or Martha’s Vineyard to go jogging with Carly Simon.  But I realize most Americans cannot do this.  Probably because they’re selfish.  It’s really simple.  Drink just one more glass of water a day.  Water is available everywhere, except in the Southwest which is all desert.  But those are red states anyway.  It’s just like Republicans to deny people water.

With a bottle of water at her side the First Lady spoke of the many benefits of water.

Just the other day I was flying on Air Force one to Hawaii and I was enjoying a glass of the 1951 Penfolds Grange Hermitage, which as you know isn’t cheap. I bought it for $38,000.  Anyway as I was sipping the wine it occurred to me that I wasn’t the only one on the flight.  The press, or as my husband likes to call them, “my minions” were also on the plane.  What were they drinking?  So I had one of my Secret Service agents go back there to find out.  I would have gone back myself but class distinctions must be upheld you know.  And what my Secret Service agents told me was that the press were drinking water!  Water!  So that’s how the common people stay healthy!

When asked how much water she drinks  every day the First Lady responded that, while she personally doesn’t drink water, “I find wine to be much more agreeable” she still feels that water can help people.

“Water is the water of peace” she said.

I think that’s why Republicans hate women and blacks.  They don’t drink enough water.   So drink up America.  Drink water.  Pure refreshing water.  Just don’t get it from any lakes or streams.  The EPA is very strict about that.

Michelle Obama will be touring American to promote her vision of a water-drinking proletariat.

Except in the Southwest which has no water because Republicans hate women and blacks.

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