Puffy Faced Ashley Judd’s Decision Not to Run for the Senate is a Bit Like Rape

Ashley Judd's decision to not put her puffy face up for election is a bit like rape.

Ashley Judd’s decision to not put her puffy face up for election is a bit like rape.

Shortly before dinner time last evening the rumors started coming in over the wires:  Porn stars really do enjoy their work.  Famous puffy-faced Hollywood superstar Ashley Judd had decided against a run for the United States Senate.

But let’s have Ms. Judd speak for herself.  Here is the official announcement:

After serious and thorough contemplation, I realize that my responsibilities & energy at this time need to be focused on my family.

I didn’t even realize her big sister was back in rehab!  But back to the statement.

Regretfully I am currently unable to consider a campaign for the Senate.   I have spoken to so many Kentuckians over these last few months, mainly from my home in Tennessee, who expressed their desire for a fighter for the people of Tennessee, I mean Kentucky.  While that won’t be me I will continue to work as hard as I can from Tennessee and/or Hollywood to ensure the needs of Kentucky families are met.  Have families in Kentucky considered vacationing in Tennessee?  It’s really a beautiful state.  Thanks for considering me and know how much I love our Commonwealth, even though I will continue to live in Tennessee in the near future.  Thank you!

After contemplating for the past day her decision not to run I can only say that I feel like I have been raped.  Yes, Ashley Judd not running for public office has hit all of us bloggers pretty hard.  Years of comedy at her expense are not to be.  And that’s a lot like rape.

And not the good kind of rape like when Olivia Wilde mounts you in a seedy pay-by-the-hour motel off the Bronx River Parkway while telling you that she’d rather be with you than that no talent jackhole Jason Sudeikis and could she please pour oils on your body before spanking you.  No.  Nothing like that.

This is more like the bad kind of rape.  You know.  You’re in a steam bath and suddenly Margeret Cho enters and forces you to look at her tattoo-covered naked body.

Looking at Margeret Cho's tattoo-covered body is kind of like rape

Looking at Margeret Cho’s tattoo-covered body is kind of like rape

That kind of rape.

Or the kind of rape that happens when coal is removed from mountaintops.*

Or the kind of rape that happens when selfish women decide to propagate.**

Or the kind of rape that happens when one buys an iPad.***

Because I think we can all agree on one thing:  Rape is bad.   Not as bad as the shit and urine of raped women’s fistulas.  But bad nevertheless.

So let’s hope that Ms. Judd reconsiders her decision to run for Senator from Tennessee Kentucky.

Because my leaking fistula can only take so much.

* Coal Mining is Rape!

** Selfish Women Having Babies is Like Rape

*** Buying an iPad is Rape and Will Make Fistulas Leak!



2 Responses

  1. Maybe yyour friend, Martin Scorsese, could make a movie about Judd’s life. Being forced to sit through reruns of that would be rape of the worst kind.

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