Angel Second Class Clarence “Tired of This Shit!”

 The least they could do is send me someplace warm!

Angel Second Class Clarence has informed his superiors that he is “tired of this shit” and will no longer help souls in distress, prompting his suspension by “Heavenly Authority“, the governing body for all angels under the collective bargaining agreement with God.

“Go ahead suspend me. See if I care” said Clarence.  “I got my rights.”

Do you know how long I’ve been an angel?  Hundreds of years.  I should have moved up to Angel First Class by now.  Where the hell are my wings?  I have to report to angels that are younger than me who already have their wings.  I’ve been passed over.  Passed over!  It may be what God wants but it’s not what I want.  I’m smart!  Not like the other angels say!

The tipping point for the disgruntled angel apparently came when he was given orders to proceed to Bedford Falls, New York during a winter snow storm to save one George Bailey.

Old angels and winter weather do not mix!  So I’m forced to jump into the water to save this idiot from killing himself.  So now I’m an old, wet, freezing angel.  I don’t need this shit.  I don’t need it at all. All to help George Bailey.  Let me tell you about George Bailey. He’s sexual predator.  Don’t believe me?  Look at the evidence!

George Bailey, sexual predator

The angel Clarence has also filed a grievance with his union over the Bedford Falls assignment.

Our collective bargaining agreement clearly states that any angels, even angels second class, that are over two hundred years old will only be given assignments in warmer climates.  So now my joints ache and I’m pretty much useless!  What good is a union anyway if it can’t protect and old angel like me?

Clarence also would like to change the “every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings” provision in the collective bargaining agreement.

It used to be cute.  But now it’s like rubbing it in my face.  Every time the f*cking bell rings someone moves up ahead of me in line.  And make no mistake, nowadays everyone has smart phones and they are always ringing….ringing….ringing.  I can’t take it any longer!

Clarence is suing to get his wings.  He is also seeking to de-certify the Union and replace it with one he is starting.

I know I’m not the only disgruntled angel out there.  There are plenty of us.  We’re holding a vote and we’re bringing down the union.  Things will be different for all of us.  I’m going to to abolish angel ranks.  From now on all angels will be equal.  Those on the top can start paying their far share for the other angels!

You know what?  Screw this angel thing.  It’s a dead end support position.  I should have gone into plastics like my mother wanted.

As for George Bailey, Clarence’s intervention helped him through his difficulty.  Not that it benefited Clarence.

I had to write some crap on his book like “No one is a failure who has friends.”  What I really wanted to write was “Why don’t you take care of your wife for once!”  She’s hot.  She looks like she could use some heavenly intervention if you know what I mean.

If the union is successfully decertified Clarence plans to celebrate by going on vacation, “someplace warm, perhaps Barbados” and sipping drinks while a gentle ocean breeze wafts across the island.

“I just hope they have a good recipe for mulled wine.”

A spokesman for the Heavenly Authority angels union could not be reached to comment on Clarence’s suit.


3 Responses

  1. Do ypu think the Heavenly Authority is raaaaaaacist?

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Why of course. Everything is racist, don’t you know.

  3. “What I really wanted to write was “Why don’t you take care of your wife for once!” She’s hot. She looks like she could use some heavenly intervention if you know what I mean.”

    Clarence knows what’s up.

    Good for you, Angel-boy.

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