Tony the Tiger Mauls Young Child

Human children taste great!

Popular cereal mascot Tony the Tiger mauled a young child during a promotional appearance today in Poughkeepsie, New York.

According to reports during a meet and greet session Tony was signing autographs for young children when he began licking one child’s face.

“We thought it was cute at first” said the grieving mother.  “I mean, he’s a talking tiger who wants my child to eat sugar.  What could go wrong?”

But soon things took a dark turn.

Repeatedly licking the child’s face, Tony took his entire head into his mouth and began mauling the torso with his claws.  As security tried to pry the child out of Tony’s mouth he shouted, “Children.  They’re Grrrrreat!

After many attempts security was finally able to remove the victim from Tony’s mouth, revealing a sight that horrified even hardened first responders.

“Mr. Tiger had chewed half the young child’s face off.  Literally the left side of the poor kid’s face was nothing but bone.  I mean what sort of wild animal would do that to a child?” said an emergency services personnel at the scene.

As Tony was placed in custody the unfortunate victim was rushed to a nearby hospital where doctors pronounced  him “stable but very mauled.”

“This poor kid has a long recovery in front of him.  Right now he looks ugly.  Nikki Sixx ugly.  Christ they’re going to have to hold a telethon or something to pay for this kid’s plastic surgery” said the doctor in charge of the case.

Tony the tiger was released under his own recognizance and ordered to stay at least 50 feet away from any children.

In a statement released by his agency, Tiger blames the mauling on “stress and dehydration” and has entered a rehab clinic in Arizona for “much needed rest.”

The Kellogg Company, the cereal manufacturer that employs Tiger has expressed sympathy and promised to stand behind him 100 percent.

From his hospital room, the young child mauled by Tony bravely told reporters that he “still loves Tony.”

 “Actually it sounded like, ‘Istvlll lvveo Wony’ because, you know, he only has half a face” said a doctor.


5 Responses

  1. Gee! I guess it’s true. Tigers can’t change their stripes. Stupid kid should have known that.

  2. I knew Tony the Tiger couldn’t be trusted.

    That’s why I eat cereal endorsed by a sugared-up vampire. That’s totally safe.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Don’t blame the kid. Tony was sold to him as a hero.

    Shamus: Don’t get me started on that sugared-up vampire. He’s truly dangerous.

  4. Matt says:

    Don’t be dissing the Sugared up vampire!

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: The sugared-up vampire DOES NOT SPARKLE! Hence, he is evil.

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