Bob Costas Says……

 We must control the Jesus freaks!

Here at Manhattan Infidel I am always looking for a way to have physical contact with Olivia Wilde.  I mean just let me touch you. I just want to touch you! new things to write about.

With that in mind I am proud to launch a new feature I call “Bob Costas says” which I hope will be a weekly or semi-weekly event.  Take it away Bob!

Thank you Manhattan Infidel.  I am pleased to have this opportunity to address your readers.  Though I must say I’ve never heard of you before or seen you at any of the elite parties.

Note:  You have seen me at elite parties Bob.  Only I was the one carrying the tray of Hors d-oeuvres.  Oh, and thanks for not tipping me.

Well it has happened again.  Just a week after I had to go on the air and risk my career by talking about gun control – which as all of you know our founding fathers favored – an NFL player has been involved in a fatal incident.

Cowboy nose tackle Joshua Brent was arrested and charged with intoxicated vehicular manslaughter after crashing his car and killing Jerry Brown, a member of the Cowboys practice squad.

Thank god Jerry Brown wasn’t actually on the Cowboys game day roster or this incident would have been much worse.

And thank god the Jerry Brown who died wasn’t the governor of California who bravely raised spending in the face of opposition from non-elites.  

But I digress.

In the aftermath of the near tragedy of Joshua Brent killing a practice squad member who would never have played a game anyway that most mindless of sports cliches was heard again: “How am I supposed to have respect in the hood if I only have 15 cars?” No wait.  Wrong cliche. “Something like this really puts things in perspective!”  Please.

You want some actual perspective on this?  Our current “Booze culture” ensures that more and more DWI fatalities will occur.

The booze culture I am talking about is non-elite boozing.  I speak for myself when I say that when I am sipping a 5000 dollar glass of wine at a private party while trays of Hors d-oeuvres are brought around by some idiot who doesn’t know the meaning of customer service –

Note:  Hey! I am good at bringing trays of Hors d-oeuvres around!

– When I am sipping that wine and the Hors d-oeuvres, probably deviled eggs or caviar or bruschetta, and god how I love bruschetta, I know I never have to worry about being intoxicated behind the wheel of a car. 

Because I’m not drinking strong drinks like beer which will get a man intoxicated.  I am drinking respectable wine and the occasional Cosmo, which are safe drinks.

You see where I am going with this?  Totally non-booze culture.

And let’s say a disgruntled waiter gives me a beer instead of a 5000 dollar glass of wine – some people just do not know how to serve, but I digress –

Note:  Bite me Bob Costas.  We were bringing out fresh supplies of wine but you said you couldn’t wait and that the beer would be okay!

Let’s say I am forced to drink a beer I still won’t have be contributing to booze culture because I won’t be driving.  No.  I simply have a limo pick me up and drive me home.

You see how easy it is to defeat the mindless booze culture of America today?  Just drink 5000 dollar bottles of wine and have your limo driver take you home. 

If only Joshua Brent had a limo driver this weekend this incident need not have happened.

Because next time an NFL player gets behind the wheel of a car while drunk he might have another NFL player in the car with him.  You know, one who actually plays in the games.  And if the car overturns and kills that player, well then that would be a tragedy.

And the next time you, the reader, are in your “working class” bars downing beer and other non-elite alcohol I urge you to call your limo company and get a ride home.  Because if you kill someone while behind the wheel of a car that would be tragic.

Though chances are the person you kill won’t play for the NFL and as such won’t be important.

And now on to the second half of our game. May spines be crushed and may you be in your limo an hour before the devil knows your dead.

Oh wait, I forgot.  And when you are in your working class bars watch out for a disgruntled Hor d-oeuvre server.

Note:  F*ck you Bob.  You said you wanted the beer!  You wanted it!


2 Responses

  1. $5000 wine? What a twit. He obviously doesn’t know that Ripple has a lot great vintage years and it don’t cost no $5000.


  2. Bob Costas is just about the right height for a beer tray, so he has that going for him.

    Maybe someday when Costas grows up, he can wear big boy clothes and be a real reporter…like George Stephanopalopalopalopalopalopalopalopolous.

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