If it’s Tuesday that must mean that the New York Times is prominently featuring their weekly global warming article.  As a service to my readers who may want to read these articles but who cannot pick up a copy of the Times I now present the official New York Times Global Warming Template:

Recent scientific studies show that

1. The world is getting warmer
2. Greenhouse gases are to blame
3. Sarah Palin causes greenhouse gases
4. Those who live outside New York or California have sloped foreheads
5. No, seriously. You guys are backward rubes

The science is settled; therefore

1. There is no room for debate
2. All intelligent people agree with us
3. If you disagree with us you are stupid
4. Sarah Palin is stupid.
5. I would expect a backward rube with a sloped forehead such as yourself to disagree with us.  I’ve never even seen you at Elaine’s or the Russian Tea Room so why should your opinion count?

The only way to prevent global warming is to

1. Work together in a spirit of brotherhood and mutual respect
2. Brotherhood and mutual respect?  What the hell am I saying?  The global warming must be affecting our cognitive functions
3. Empty our cities and suburbs of all the rubes and herd them into camps
4. These camps will have no electricity. The rubes will work by candlelight and build outhouses for their waste
5. Sarah Palin is a rube

Are the offices of the New York Times air conditioned?

1. What’s your point?
2. Yes but it’s necessary.  If our offices get too hot during Summer our staff cannot concentrate and write global warming articles
3. Regrettably yes.  We wrestle with our conscience over this
4. Hell, who wants to be all sweaty especially when we’re having dinner at the Russian Tea Room before heading to see Mike Tyson’s one-man Broadway show.  Yes, I know Tyson’s a rapist.  But he’s a good rapist
5. Sarah Palin should get raped by Mike Tyson

No, seriously.  Won’t using your air conditioner lead to more greenhouse gases being emitted which will lead to further catastrophic global warming?

1. It is necessary.  We at the New York Times are leading the effort against global warming.  Do you think generals during wartime share the sufferings of enlisted men? And we are the generals.  You are the privates
2. What right do you have to question us, you filthy rubes?
3. Sarah Palin kills polar bears
4. If you’re nice to us we may allow you to eat the crumbs that fall from our table
5. Manual labor by candlelight is awesome!

But what about the Polar bears?

1. Yes.  They are drowning.  So sad.  But it’s your fault
2. Employees of the New York Times are issued polar bear credits.  When a polar bear drowns we use our credits to contribute to the ASPCA.
3. Yea, we hate those Sarah McLachlan commercials as well.
4. I love those Coke commercials with the polar bears.  Polar bears are so cuddly
5. Except when they are using their claws to rip apart and eat seals.  Why can’t polar bears be vegetarians?

To sum up:  Global warming caused by man-made greenhouse gases is enhottening the planet

1. Yes.  Enhotten is a word. Look it up
2. So it’s not in the dictionary.  Big deal.  We at the New York Times are elites and do not use dictionaries.  We are ahead of the curve
3. I bet in a few weeks all you rubes in the labor camps will be using the word “enhotten”
4. Did you see Levi Johnston’s photo shoot in Playgirl? He is such a hottie.
5. I will kiss him in a Chick-fil-A anytime. But my kissing a hottie will not enhotten the world.

And there you have it readers. Let us all do our part.  Except for the manual labor by candlelight part.  And I’ll need a flush toilet.  And electricity to write in my blog.  And air conditioning during Summer.

But other than that I so support the New York Times and their crusade against global warming climate change.

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