The Manhattan Infidel has a confession:  A series of brutal rage-filled stabbings on the upper east side.  I am a hopeless romantic.  And like all rage-filled homicidal maniacs hopeless romantics I am drawn to the story of former New York assistant district attorney Catherine Chandler and her platonic love “Vincent.”  And so I am pleased to present to my readers my exclusive interview with this fascinating couple.

MI:  Welcome.  It’s a pleasure to finally meet both of you.  I’ve been wanting to interview you for a long time.

Vincent:  Nice to be here.

Catherine:  Can we get this over with?

MI:  Catherine, tell me how the two of you met.  That must be an amusing story.

Catherine:  Amusing?  Are you an idiot?  I was abducted, beaten, stabbed and left to die in Central Park.

MI:  It wasn’t me.

Catherine:  What?

MI:  Never mind.  Vincent. What went through your mind when you first met Catherine?

Vincent:  From the moment I saw her she captured my heart with her beauty, her warmth, and her courage.  

Catherine:  I was lying on the ground savagely beaten and bleeding you moron. You could at least have called an ambulance.

Vincent:  Whatever happens, whatever comes.  Know that I love you.

Catherine:  Whatever.  It ain’t happening lion face.  Look can I go now?  I shouldn’t even be here.  I have a restraining order against the king of the jungle here.

Vincent:  Life is not complete unless you’ve been loved.

Catherine:  See this?  [Holding up a can.]  It’s mace.  I’ve used it before on you and I’ll use it again.  Now may I go now?

MI:  I guess we don’t need you here.  Most of my questions are for Vince-

Catherine:  I’m outta here.  Bye.  [She leaves.]

MI:  Wow.  Not what I expected.

Vincent:  She’s……….been traumatized obviously.  But love conquers all.  From the moment I first met her, lying in a strangely erotic heap, twisted, bleeding, yet strangely erotic I knew that I had met my soul mate.  I would love her forever.  

MI:  You really got it bad for her don’t you?

Vincent:  Her beauty. Her warmth.  Her courage. Her strangely erotic way of bleeding.

MI:  Let’s talk about your life.  You’ve lived underground for most of it correct?

Vincent:  Below the city.  Below the subways.  There’s a whole world of tunnels and chambers most people don’t even know exists.  It’s a forgotten place.  But it’s safe.  And it’s warm.  A perfect place to bring the strangely, erotically bleeding Catherine to celebrate our love together.   Though lovers be lost, love shall not.

MI:  That’s beautiful.  Did you write that yourself?

Vincent:  No I saw it written on a urinal in a Times Square porn theater.

MI:  Do you still live underground?

Vincent:  No.  Last fall we got some squatters.  They called themselves “occupiers.”  Said they were part of the 99 percent.  Anyway they wrecked the place.  Left nothing but filth.  Didn’t clean up after themselves. So I moved out. 

MI:  So where are you living now?

Vincent:  Pawling, New York.  I commute into the city every day now on the train.

MI:  Doesn’t your appearance startle people?

Vincent:  Surprisingly not at all.  In fact people keep coming up to me and asking me for my autograph. 

MI:  Really?

Vincent:  Yes.  Apparently they think I’m a “Bon Jovi.”  Whatever that is.

MI:  Okay.  Well, you’ve answered all of my questions.

Vincent:  Manhattan Infidel, from the moment I met you I was captured by your beauty, your warmth, your courage. Can you do me a favor?

MI:  Okay.  I don’t see why not.

Vincent:  May I see you bleed?  Do you bleed erotically?

MI:  Well that’s about all the time we have.

Vincent:  Can you beat yourself about the face and arrange yourself in a tangled heap for me?  For our love?

MI:  Bye.

Vincent:  Manhattan Infidel, wherever you go know that my love follows!

And so I left Vincent and his disturbing fetish,  I ask all my readers to avoid anyone that resembles Bon Jovi.  Especially if you happen to be bleeding.

(1387)