Today I am pleased to give my readers the next installment in my series of award-winning interviews with famous personages.  I now present a legend of Hollywood, Miss Betty Boop herself.

MI:  Good afternoon Miss Boop.

BB:  Call me  Betty.  Everyone does.

MI:  Okay Betty.

BB:  Except for Jimmy Stewart.  He called me “his sexual avalanche.”

MI:  Okay.  That’s um.  That’s a little personal but let’s move on.  How did you get your start?

BB:   I was a whore –

MI:  You mean a dancer?

BB:  Same thing.  Anyway some Hollywood suits used to frequent my show and they liked me.  They were good tippers.  So they brought me to Hollywood for a screen test.

MI:  For a few years you were Hollywood’s top sex symbol, a trailblazer.  One of Hollywood’s first overtly sexualized women.

BB:  Well when you got it flaunt it.  It was a fun time.  I had fun on screen and off if you know what I mean.

MI:  I think I do.  Anyway, then the Hays code came along in the 1930s and you had to tone down your act.

BB:  The code?  It ruined me.  Suddenly I had to wear full length skirts and not be seen in men’s bedrooms.  Come on!  I’m Betty Boop.  I invented sex!  How are teen age boys supposed to pleasure themselves if I can’t wear something revealing?

MI:  Um.

BB:  Did I tell you what Jimmy Stewart called me?

MI:  Yes you mentioned it.

BB:  He was wild.  I tore his toupee off once during a wild night.

MI:  Okay.

BB:  He wasn’t the only one.  Randolph Scott said that I freed him sexually to be the woman he’d always wanted to be.

MI:  Moving along –

BB:  He was fun. Not as much fun as Jimmy Stewart.  We used to role play.  He’d pretend he was Hank Fonda.

MI:  Well I see I had better throw out my questions.  I wanted to concentrate on the history of Hollywood but you want to talk about sex.

BB:  Talk about it?  I was – I am sex!  Hollywood has always been sexually liberated.  We even got free birth control from the studios.  Not like now where women have to testify in front of congress to get it.

MI:  Really.  I did not know that.

BB:  I used to get my abortions paid for by the studio.  Fred Astaire knocked me up.

MI:  I see.

BB:  He said he’d leave his wife for me but he didn’t.  So I got angry, drove to his house and ripped his toupee off.

MI:  Well I should go now – 

BB:  Bing Crosby gave me the Clap.  So I got angry, drove to his house and ripped his toupee off.

MI:  Where’s the exit?

BB:  But the love of my life will always be Gene Kelly.  We were inseparable.  We had such passion together.  He promised he’d leave his wife for me but he didn’t.  So I got really angry, drove to his house and ripped his toupee off.

MI:  Right.  So in closing –

BB:  Why doesn’t he call?  Is he still angry at me?

MI:  He’s been dead for 16 years.

BB:  Yeah, right. Men!  Is that a toupee you’re wearing?

MI:  No.  It’s my own hair.

BB:  Really?

MI:  Some of it anyway.

BB:  I’m gonna rip that rug off.  Serves you right for not leaving your wife for me.

MI:  No!  Don’t touch me!  Do you know how much glue I have to apply to keep this thing on?

[There is a brief struggle in which Betty Boop rips off Manhattan Infidel’s toupee and throws it out the window.]

BB:  Maybe now you’ll respect me!

MI:  You’re psychotic!

BB:  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  Please don’t be angry with me.  Let’s have sex.

MI:  You’re 102 years old.

BB:  I still got it.

MI:  No you don’t.  Goodbye.

BB:  Go.  Leave me.  Go back to your wife the slut!

And so ended my interview with Betty Boop.  If anyone is unfortunate enough to come in contact with her, give her a wide berth.  And if you are wearing a hairpiece apply extra glue.  And two-sided tape.

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