The Gospel According to Barack Obama (Part VII)

The Kingdom of redistribution is at hand!

At that time Hugo Chavez heard the fame of Barack.

And he said to his servants:  This is Sean Penn:  he is risen from the dead and therefore mighty works of redistribution shew forth themselves in him.

For Hugo had apprehended Sean Penn and bound him, and put him in prison because he was annoying.

And having a mind to put him to death, he feared the people:  because they esteemed him as a maker of Hollywood crap.

But on Hugo’s birthday a stripper danced before him and pleased him.

Whereupon he promised with an oath to give her whatsoever she would ask of him.

And she said:  Give me here in a dish the head of Sean Penn.

And he sent, and beheaded Sean Penn.

And Barack’s disciples came and took the body and gave him a posthumous Medal of Freedom.

When it was evening his disciples came to him, saying:  This is a desert place, and the hour is now past:  send away the rubes, that going into the towns they may cling to guns and religion.

But Barack said to them, They have no need to go:  give you them to eat.

They answered him:  We have not here but five loaves, and two fishes.

And when he had commended the rubes to sit down upon the grass, he took the five loaves and blessed and brake and gave the loaves to his disciples, and the disciples redistributed to the rubes.

But Barack giveth not the two fishes since the fishes were unhealthy to eat and might raise their cholesterol.  Instead sayeth he:  It is not right to give unhealthy food to the multitudes.  Give me the fish and I will have it with my bacon cheeseburger.

And having dismissed the rubes, he went back to the White House.  And when it was evening he was there alone, for Michelle was shopping in New York.

And in the fourth watch of the night he came to his disciples walking upon the sea.

And Joe Biden, making answer, said:  Barack, if it be thou, bid me come to thee upon the waters.

And he said:  Come.  And Joe Biden going down out of the boat, walked upon the water to come to Barack.

But seeing the wind strong he was afraid:  and when he began to sink he cried out, saying:  This is a big fucking deal!

And immediately Barack stretching forth his hand took hold of him and said:  You’re off the ticket in 2012.

And having passed the water they came into another state.

And when the men of that place had knowledge of him, they brought to him all that were diseased, but not before first hiding their cheeseburgers.

And they besought him that they might touch but the hem of his garment.  And as many touched were made whole as long as they had insurance.  Those who foolishly refused to buy insurance were thrown into Gehenna where there was weeping and gnashing of teeth.


2 Responses

  1. innominatus says:


    SnortLOL @ Hemorrhoidias’ daughter stripper dancing for OOooGo Chavez.

  2. Best Gospel–Evah?

    To even question that obvious truth makes you raaaaacist.


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