Here at the offices back alley of Manhattan Infidel there is a routine.  Up at 5:30 am noon to check the papers to see if the police have discovered the body of that stripper who wouldn’t give me a lap dance there are any important news stories that would interest my readers.

This morning one particular news story in the New York Times caught my eye:  Shit they found her. I hope I didn’t leave any evidence behind that can implicate me.  Despite a poor economy President Obama’s poll numbers have skyrocketed.

My natural journalist suspicions got the best of me and I decided to investigate.  So far so good. Police say they have no leads.  I placed a call to the New York Times and asked to speak to the reporter responsible for the article (the transcript of said conversation I reprint here for my readers.)

NYT:  Yes?

MI:  Hello this is the Manhattan Infidel.  May we discuss your article?

NYT:  Manhattan Infidel?  I told you to stop calling me.  And stop sending me those photos from your phone.  They are quite disturbing.

MI:  They’re very erotic aren’t they?

NYT:  You’re very bendy.

MI:  I do yoga.

NYT:  I can tell.

MI:  Anyway, about your article. You say that Obama currently has 100% approval rating.  How is this possible?

NYT:  It’s the truth.  I simply called up registered voters and asked them two questions:  What did they think of the job President Obama was doing and would they vote for him in November.

 MI:  I still find it hard to believe that everybody approved of his job. Were the questions leading in any way?

NYT:  Nope.  Totally unbiased.

MI:  Really?  May I hear the questions?

NYT: Certainly.  First question:  Given the fact that our hero President Obama took office during the worst crisis in the history of the United States would you agree that he hasn’t totally sucked at the job?  Or are you a racist, intolerant tea bagger who contributes to the climate of hatred?

MI: Well that certainly seems unbiased.  What was the second question?

NYT:  Who are you prepared to vote for in November?  A great intellect, constitutional scholar and hero to the entire planet like Barack Obama or the likely Republican nominee, Adolph Hitler.  And if you vote for the Republican nominee is it because you want to see six million Jews die?

MI:  Wait a minute.  Hitler is running?

NYT:  Technically that fact is false but I believe it points to a higher truth – that Republicans are evil.

MI:  Well that certainly explains the 100% approval rating.  Your questions were biased.

NYT:  No they aren’t.  This is the New York Times.  We print all the news that’s fit to help the Democrats.

MI:  You mean you print all the news that’s fit to print?

NYT:  What did I say?

MI: All the news that’s fit to help the Democrats.

NYT:  This conversation is over.

MI:  One more thing.  About that stripper whose body was found – the police still have no leads, correct?

NYT:  None whatsoever.  But they do say given the condition the body was in she must have been killed by someone with lots of pent up rage.  Probably lives alone.  Has no friends.  Spends his spare time downloading porn.  Has never known the touch of a woman.  Police are looking for a blogger.  Say, you have a blog don’t you?

MI:  This conversation is over.

And there you have it readers. Another fine example of our objective press at work.  Good think I sanded off my fingerprints.  The police will never trace her to me.

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