My Exclusive Interview with Nick Nolte

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Today I have the privilege of interviewing one of the most prolific and respected actors of the past 40 years, three-time academy award nominee Nick Nolte.

MI:  Good morning Mr. Nolte.  It’s a pleasure to have you here.  Let’s start with your career.  Your first breakout role was in Rich Man Poor Man.  Since then you have been continuously in demand as an actor.  What is the secret to success in Hollywood?

NN:  [Silence]

MI:  Um.  Mr. Nolte?  

NN:  [Silence]

MI:  Mr. Nolte.  What is the secret to your success?

NN:  Who said that?

MI:  Mr. Nolte.  It’s me.  The Manhattan Infidel.

NN:  Sorry man.  It’s just that I hear voices sometimes and the CIA is watching me.  Always watching.  And the aliens too.  I don’t want to get probed again.

MI:  Okay.  That’s, that’s.  Let’s move onto my second question.  You were recently quoted as saying that the reason Barack Obama won in 2008 was that America couldn’t stand to see two white guys get up again and that it was criminal to have to choose between two white guys.  Could you elaborate on that?

NN:  I said that?

MI:  Yes.

NN:  When? 

MI:  At the Oscars.  On the red carpet.

NN:  I was at the Oscars?  Man why don’t I remember that?

MI:  This was less than two weeks ago.

NN:  Do you hear that?  What’s happening?

MI:  What?

NN:  I hear someone talking.  But we’re the only two people in the room.  How can that be happening man?  How can that be happening?

MI:  That’s the TV.

NN:  Oh my god.  Is that me on the TV?  But how can that be?  How can I be on the TV and with you right now?  What am I saying on the TV?  Oh god I have psoriatic arthritis!  I’m freaking man.  Give me a bag to put over my head before I start hyperventilating.

MI:  Calm down.  That’s not you.  It’s a commercial with Phil Mickelson.  You were also quoted when on the red carpet as saying that American was out of proportion with the rest of the world and that America needs to get in synch.  What did you mean by that?

NN:  Proportion is everything man.  It’s everything.  Look at my fingers.

MI:  They……they look very proportional and in synch with the size of your hand.

NN:  But what if I were a dinosaur?  Would they be in proportion then?

MI:  I.  Um.

NN:  A dinosaur with psoriatic arthritis?

MI:  Well, I should go now.

NN:  Flum tugger hemligopper!

MI: What?

NN:  No.  I say flum tugger hemligopper and you respond with?

MI:  For Christ’s sake what hell are you talking about?

NN:  It’s code man. I have to deliver a message in code to General Washington.  The British are trying to capture West Point.

MI:  Right.

NN:  I would have made it to General Washington by now but I’m slowed down by my psoriatic arthritis.

MI:  For the last time you do not have psoriatic arthritis!

NN:  Do you hear that?  Where’s that voice coming from?  We’re the only two people in the room.

MI:  [Sighing]  It’s the TV.  It’s just the damn TV.  You know what? Here’s the remote.  Watch what you want.

NN:  Does the TV have psoriatic arthritis?

MI:  Goodbye.

NN:  I’m scared.  Hold me.

And so ended my interview with the prolific and talented actor.  And if anyone reading this has psoriatic arthritis please give Nick a call.


3 Responses

  1. Nick Nolte was surprised how quickly his symptoms were managed.

    Also, psoriatic arthritis is a code word for “Attack! Attack! Attack!!!!!”

  2. Matt says:

    Ah, the heartbreak of psoriatic arthritis.

  3. I wouldn’t call him even if i had it, he might want to be held and from that pic, he ain’t looking too flash, if you ask me.

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