Teenage Boy Grows Hair on Palms; Squirts Sticky Fluid all Over

Hi.  I’m Peter Parker.  I am NOT masturbating!Peter Parker, a teenage orphan living in Forest Hills, Queens with his Uncle Ben and Aunt May has been arrested by the NYPD after allegedly squirting a “viscous-like fluid all over the street.”

Dubbed “The Forest Hills Jacker” Mr. Parker was perp-walked through press to the station house for booking.

“Look, I don’t want to speculate as to what the substance might be” said the arresting officer, Detective Patrick O’Reilly.  “But he’s got to stop that.  It’s a nuisance. That stuff clogs the streets causing accidents.  Someone might get hit in the eyes and get an infection.  He’s……look, I know he’s a teenager.  But just stop it you know.”

Another officer on the scene was less charitable.

“He’s masturbating.  That’s the only explanation.  Either that or he’s been bitten by a radioactive spider.  But I think it’s masturbation.  The kid’s got to stop doing that.”

Parker was released into custody of his mortified Aunt.

“I’m so embarrassed.  They tell me it’s normal activity for a boy his age but still.” she said.  “Once I heard sounds from his room and knocked on it.  I was concerned that maybe he’d been bitten by a radioactive spider.  He said ‘Don’t come in.  I’m not masturbating!’ and I saw this sticky fluid leaking under the door.  What’s the bridge club going to think?”

After his release as he was getting into his aunt’s car Mr. Parker was asked if he had any comment for the press.

“Yes.  My name is Peter Parker and I am not masturbating!”

Parker’s Uncle Ben, when reached for comment was sympathetic.

“I’m an old man but I remember what it is like to be a teenager.  So he’s going to do that kind of activity.  Who can blame him?  I mean, have you seen our next door neighbor’s girl? Does this woman cause boys to masturbate? Firm breasts.  Nice butt.  Hell, no wonder Peter’s masturbating.  He’s probably thinking of her.  I’ve been tempted too!”

If convicted of public lewdness Mr. Parker faces a $1000 fine and 30 days in jail.

In related news Peter Parker has changed his Facebook status to “I’m not masturbating!”


6 Responses

  1. Uuh… uuh… I’m not tough this one!

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Shame on you! You’ll go blind.

  3. You know Peter can’t afford a good lawyer to defend himself from these charges.

    Maybe that nice well-mannered, totally non-psycopathic Mr. Osbourne could help him?

  4. Matt says:

    Well, a least we know it wasn’t a radioactive spider!

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: Watch out for radioactive spiders. They’ll f#$% your shit up.

    Shamus: An excellent suggestion.

  6. MK says:


    Nice post Infidel, that made my evening.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>