My Exclusive Interview with Tony Bennett

I left my credibility in San FranciscoRecently I was honored to sit down with living legend Tony Bennett.  Bennett has recently come under fire for his controversial comments about 9/11.  Naturally this was my first question.

MI:  Mr. Bennett, thank you for meeting with me.  I have been a fan of yours for years.

Tony Bennett:  Thank you.  We are terrorists.

MI:  I need to ask you about that.  You recently made some controversial comments –

Tony Bennett:  About Lady Gaga being the greatest artist of this generation?

MI:  No.  Not that.  It was about – 

Tony Bennett:  The time I strangled Peter Lawford to death on Frank Sinatra’s orders?

MI:  No.  It was – 

Tony Bennett:  Was it about the healing powers of my ball sack?

MI:  No.

Tony Bennett:  Well it’s true.  Go ahead.  Touch it.

MI:  I’ll pass.  What I wanted to ask you about were your controversial comments about 9/11.  You said and I quote, “They flew the plane in, but we caused it because we were bombing them and they told us to stop” and “Who are the terrorists?  Are we the terrorists or are they the terrorists?”

Tony Bennett:  I stand behind my comments.  Who are really the terrorists?

MI:  Well, I would say it’s the people who made your toupee.

Tony Bennett:  This isn’t a toupee.

MI:  Yeah right.

Tony Bennett:  No seriously.  I haven’t bathed in 35 years. It’s actually a couple thousand worms.  I’m a pacifist and I believe all life is sacred.  Even worms.

MI:  Oh.  Ewww.  Anyway back to your comments.  You also state that President Bush told you that he felt he made a mistake by invading Iraq.  

Tony Bennett:  Yes.  President Bush  told me that.  He also told me that he was the second gunman on the grassy knoll in Dallas.

MI:  Okay.  

Tony Bennett:  And he told me that Abraham Lincoln is kept alive in the White House basement.  Apparently they use feeding tubes and blood taken from a virgin during a full moon.

MI:  Right.  I’m going to end this interview now.

Tony Bennett:  Wait you can’t go before I sing for you…….I left my credibility/In San Francisco………

MI:  Mr. Bennett, you’ve built up quite a legacy over the last 60 years and I don’t want you to destroy it totally during this interview.  So I’m going to end it now.  I thank you for meeting with me.

Tony Bennett:  Last chance to touch my ball sack.

MI:  Goodbye.

And so I left Mr. Bennett.  It was a strange and disturbing interview.  I don’t believe anything he told me.  Well, except for Abe Lincoln being kept alive with the blood of virgins.  That makes sense.


7 Responses

  1. silverfiddle says:

    As Laura Ingraham would say… Shut up and sing, Tony!

    These Hollywood types really get themselves into trouble when they stop acting or singing and start thinking and talking without a script.

  2. I am no officially an Abe Lincoln Truther

  3. ‘now’.

    Iff I culd spel nwerkda compooter, Id b danjeruss.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Silverfiddle: And Hollywood wonders why no one goes to the crap they put out any more. These stars are essentially very lucky. They won the lottery in terms of money and fame. And all these jackholes can do it trash America?

    Shamus: I don’t use my hands to type. I use my penis. Strangely my typing is faster and more enjoyable.

  5. Senility makes people say strange things. But, I get the impression he really liked you. Scary!

  6. Matt says:

    That he left his credibility in San Francisco would mean that there is some actually there. That would simply mess with my sense of reality.

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: I refuse to touch Tony Bennett’s ball sack, even if it has “healing powers.”

    matt: Reality is an allusion. Or something. I don’t know. I read it somewhere when my internet was down and couldn’t access my porn.

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