Commander Riker Fails Routine Physical; Career in Jeopardy

Oh my god.  Where did you get those brownies?Commander William Riker, second in command of Star Fleet’s flagship the Enterprise, and formerly thought to be a shoo-in for Admiral has failed a routine physical.  The news has placed his career in jeopardy and if Riker cannot pass a follow-up exam he will be forced out of the Fleet.

The news that he had failed the physical did not, sadly, surprise many of his colleagues.  Said Captain Picard:

I’ve been worried about No. 1 for years.  When he first arrived on board the Enterprise he was a thin, fit, energetic officer.  But something changed.  First he grew that damn awful beard which is nonregulation.  I probably should have told him to shave.  I blame myself for that.  But then he started to put on weight.  I mean, lots of weight.  I was concerned and checked his food replicator rations.  It seems he had used up all his and was borrowing rations from Commander Data which, as you know, is a punishable offense.  I went to his quarters to confront him and he was sitting on the floor eating cheesecake.  He wasn’t even using his hands, just eating it off the floor with his mouth.  I suspended him for a week but then he kept people up all night playing his damn trombone.  Or at least I think he was playing the trombone.  I snuck into his quarters when he wasn’t there to investigate (I love mysteries) and it turns out the trombone is where he hid his Devil Dogs and Ring Dings. I told him he had an addiction to food and that he was out of shape.  He responded by burping and finishing his philly cheese steak.  I think it’s high time I had a new No. 1.

A close friend, the android Commander Data tells of a curious incident:

I wanted to experience the human process of eating so I had the food replicator give me some chocolate frosted and sugar frosted donuts.  Commander Riker dropped by my quarters and noticed that I had some sugar on my fingertips.  He grabbed my hand and started sucking on my fingers while moaning.  My hand is detachable and he asked me if he could bring it back to his quarters.  I said yes.  When I asked for my hand back he told me he had covered it in ketchup and eaten it, titanium covering and all.  Most curious.

Lt. Geordi La Forge relates a disturbing incident:

I was in his quarters when my visor picked up a strange image  Will had placed hot dogs down his Star Fleet issued shorts.  I ask him why and he said sometimes he gets cravings for hot dogs and instead of carrying them around all day he just put them down his shorts and pulls them out when hungry.  It was after this that I stopped using my visor.  Some things are not meant to be sensed.

The first test in Riker’s physical was a one mile run.  The athletic director of the test said that

Riker had gone maybe 50 yards when he made a bee-line for the nearest vending machine.  He came back with several bags of potato chips – the green onion variety – a bag of peanut butter cups and a few cans of Pepsi.  He ate all them during the rest of the run and finished by complaining of cramps and vomiting on my shoes. I failed him then and there.

Commander Riker has acknowledged his addiction to food and blames it on his fragile emotional state caused by the break up with Counselor Troi.

Star Fleet has given Riker two months to get in condition for his make-up physical.  Riker for his part promises to surprise his detractors and pass the test with flying colors.

“I’m down to six bags of doritos and twelve donuts a day.  I can do this! Oh why doesn’t Deanna call?” he said.  “You can’t trust Greek women.  They’ll break your heart every time.  I know she says she’s Betazoid but I think she’s Greek.  Hey, is that a cheeseburger?”


6 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    I can’t imagine how much of a pain in the blowhole it would be to date a Betazoid. “You were not working late! You were down at the bar with the blonde hoozie for the office! I just read your mind, so don’t even try to deny it!”

    I’d probably pick up an addiction or two, myself, if I had to deal with all that.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: Not to mention the next time Riker goes on an away mission:

    Troi: I sense NO danger Captain. Let them beam down……..

  3. If Riker gets in tough with Moochy at the White House I’m sure she will come up with a plan to help him get back in shape. Besides, she serves ice cold vodka.

  4. Matt says:

    They could always replace him with his duplicate, the one that went evil. You never see fat evil people, except for Barney Frank, but I’m pretty sure he’s an exception.

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Good idea.

    Matt: Bawney Fwank is not fat. He’s differentially belt-sized.

  6. MK says:

    Can’t say i’m surprised, we’ve all noticed him porking up, i had a feeling it would come to this. What does surprise me is that the energizer machine didn’t have a problem transporting all his cells around the place, i guess it is the age of space travel, anything is possible.

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