Greeting to all farmers in the great United States of America!

It has recently come to the attention of the EPA that many farmers agricultural terrorists have raised serious objections to the EPA’s new proposed stringent anti particulate matter standards.

We here at the EPA wish to say that we are hurt and confused by the opposition to our well thought out we’re experts who went to college regulations.

Particulate matter, “dust” to farmers dumb white trash who have the temerity to question us is the greatest threat to human life as we know it on this planet at the moment.

Perhaps because of your particular circumstances you filthy ignorant particulate matter-ridden poor people who have never even been to the New York, LA or Washington DC  you are unawares of the dangers posed by particulate matter?  Here is a brief, but by no means exhaustive list of what unattended particulate matter causes.  And remember, the science is settled makes sense to us.  We’ve been to college after all.

• Cancer – Every year tens of thousands of Americans die of this dread disease that is caused by hereditary/environmental factors, smoking and genes, particulate matter.
• Federalism –  We here in Washington D.C. have noticed that many who live on farms resent the Federal Government and prefer the Constitution as written.  Frankly we are at a loss to understand this.  After all, we in the EPA are your friends overseers.  There can only be one logical reason for the opposition of farmers – particulate matter has clouded your judgment.
• Voting for the opposition party – Farmers tend to vote for Teabaggers instead of approved Democrats.  This can no longer be tolerated.  Teabaggers seek to curb the power of the EPA, which as we all know is bad for the environment if we get laid off we’ll have to find jobs in the private sector.  And we don’t know how to do anything.
• Sarah Palin  and Michelle Bachman – While there are many theories as to the origin of these two (Aliens?  Inbreeding?) we at the EPA believe that dust storms are the cause.  Yes, particulate matter now has the ability to be sentient.  This is frightening for all of us.  Only by reducing dust levels can you stop these two from happening again.

And so you see dear friends unwashed ignorant hill folk the time has come to  put a stop to particulate matter.  You can best help the EPA do this by taking a bath, getting a college education and moving to the city following our regulations.

After all, it’s a nice farm you have there.  It’d be a shame if something were to happen to it.

(428)