Edith Keeler Files Restraining Order Against James T. Kirk

Edith Keeler, respected social worker, visionary and babe

Edith Keeler, respected social worker, visionary and babe

Edith Keeler, respected activist and social worker who runs the 21st Street mission here in New York has filed a restraining order against one of its occupants,  an unemployed man who goes by the name of James Kirk.  Mr. Kirk who broke into her basement one day with his “companion” a Mr. Spock (no first name given) has allegedly been harassing Miss Keeler, repeatedly telling  her of his undying love and asking her out on dates even after she had made her disinterest in him known.

No offense” said Miss Keeler, “But I’m just too young to date a bald man.  I mean come on.  That wig is fooling no one.”

Miss Keeler also found Mr. Kirk’s racism offensive.

These are difficult times we live in.  That’s why I started this soup kitchen.  It’s open to all peoples of any race.  And here is this Kirk fellow telling me his companion, who has a tragic birth defect that left his ears pointed, was “Chinese” and that as a child he got his head caught in a mechanical rice picker.  I mean come on.  Such a blatantly offensive joke about peoples of color is shocking in today’s age.

But what most disturbed Miss Keeler was Mr. Spock’s premonitions of her death.

I overheard a conversation Kirk and Spock had.  Kirk was telling Spock that he loved me and Spock said, “Jim, Edith Keeler must die.”  It was then I knew I was in danger.  Who knows who these people are?  But for some reason they have targeted me for death.  I don’t blame Spock.  The birth defect that deformed his ears must have left him bitter but Kirk should know better than to threaten with death the person giving him room and board.  So I kicked them both out.

Miss Keeler thought that was the end of it.  But Kirk kept coming back, begging for a second chance.

“He said, ‘Edith you aren’t green but I still want you.’  Green?  What kind of psycho is this?” said Keeler.

I don’t need this.  I’m a social worker.  A social worker with a vision.  One day soon, man is going to be able to harness incredible energies, maybe even the atom….energies that could ultimately hurl us to other worlds in……in some sort of spaceship.  And the men that reach out into space will be able to find ways to feed the hungry millions.  They will be able to find a way to give each man hope.  Hope and change.  Socialism is the wave of the future.  It’s what I believe in.

In accordance with the restraining  order Mr. Kirk is prohibited from getting within 100 feet of Miss Keeler.

Under terms of the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1880, Mr. Spock has been remanded into the custody of immigration agents who will deport him to China.


3 Responses

  1. It’s about time that we got tough on illegal aliens. That Kirk fella ought to go to jail too for harboring an illegal alien.

  2. Matt says:

    Damn social workers, they don’t know when to die!

  3. Paul says:

    Were it not for visionaries like Edith Keeler and her movement, we might not be living in this Fascist Utopia! Long live the Reich.

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