Linus Excommunicated!

Linus Van Pelt, daring theologian and now excommunicated hereticPope Benedict XVI today excommunicated Linus Van Pelt, ratcheting up the theological controversy over the so-called “Great Pumpkin.”  With his excommunication Van Pelt is prohibited from publishing any of his writings or exercising any functions as a Catholic theologian.

Before his excommunication, Linus Van Pelt had been a daring and provocative theologian.  Van Pelt came to prominence when he posited the belief that a “Great Pumpkin” would rise out of a pumpkin patch deemed “most sincere” of all the pumpkin patches.  Van Pelt wrote that the Great Pumpkin is a modern version of the resurrection.  Like Jesus, the Great Pumpkin would rise or “ascend”, lifting up all his followers with his good works.

Pope Benedict has ordered that all of Linus’ writing be reviewed by the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, The Vatican’s congregation in charge of safeguarding Catholic doctrine from all heresies and novelties.

Despite his excommunication, Van Pelt remains defiant and promises to continue publishing his works, even if he has to leave the Church to do it.

“There must be development of doctrine” Van Pelt stated in a press release reacting to his excommunication.  “Isn’t that what the spirit of Vatican II is all about?”

My doctrine of the Great Pumpkin has built upon the work of theologians of the past.  The Great Pumpkin himself shares much in common with the Holy Ghost.  If the Vatican wishes to silence me they cannot silence belief in the Great Pumpkin.  Long after I am gone the Great Pumpkin will continue.  The Church needs renewal.  Only through study of patristic resources can the Church remain relevant to society today.  It is time to open the window and let fresh air into theological inquiry.

Top level sources inside the Vatican believe that it is about time Van Pelt was silenced and that it should have been done last year.  Said a Cardinal:

If we had acted last year, when Linus was only nine years old we could have sent him to bed without supper.  But now that he’s ten we had to excommunicate him.  We should have nipped the Great Pumpkin in the bud but now we have a full blown crisis on our hands.

Many in Van Pelt’s home town are solidly behind the Vatican’s decision to silence him.

“He was a real pain in the ass” said a neighbor about Linus.  “He was always going door to door distributing literature on the Great Pumpkin.  He even called my family a brood of vipers when we wouldn’t take his brochure.  He’s worse than the Jehovah’s Witnesses if you ask me.”

Van Pelt’s best friend, Charlie Brown reacted to today’s events by saying that “While I respect and love Linus, we are obviously separated by denominational differences.  Has anyone noticed that I have no hair?  I mean, what’s up with that.  I’m ten years old for God’s sake.”

The Vatican has summoned Linus to Rome and he has six months to comply or face further penalties.


One Response

  1. Proselytizers are always persecuted.

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