Barbie Splits from Ken

Ken and Barbie have grown apartKen and Barbie, long considered one of Hollywood’s golden couples have split.  Barbie made the announcement on her Facebook page:

After much careful reflection we have decided to end our relationship.  Though Ken will always be my friend over the years we have grown apart.  And Ken doesn’t have a penis.

The announcement seemed to catch Ken by surprise.  When asked by reporters about Barbie’s decision to end their relationship Ken broke down into tears:

Did she have to tell the entire world I have no penis?  Why?  She could have just left it at “we have grown apart” but she had to mention the penis thing.  She’s deliberately humiliated me.

Barbie has wasted no time plunging into the Hollywood singles scene and was recently spotted having dinner with Mickey Rourke.  The two later strolled hand in hand down the street exchanging kisses.

What can I say?  Mickey is a special type of person I’ve never met before.  He’s led a fascinating life.   He’s exciting.  And he has a penis.

Ken however has had a harder time adjusting to being single and now lives in a single room occupancy hotel.  Neighbors say that he often is drunk and prone to screaming at people.  He was arrested by L.A. police after he started harassing tourists on Hollywood and Vine.

Hey tourists.  Come look at the freak with no penis.  Yeah, I have no penis!  I blame you Mattel.  You made me this way!  Why?  I was betrayed. Look what Mattel has done to me!  From now on I will dedicate myself to destroying Mattel.  Mattel’s enemies will be my friends. I shall avenge Mattel with all the powers of darkness.  I curse Mattel and will sell my soul to bring the company down.  What?  What do you mean I have no soul?  Great.  No penis and no soul.  I might as well go into management.

A spokesperson for Mattel said that while they regret the pain that Ken is going through, “he has to come to terms with his vocation.  What does Mattel want him to do.  We made him and we can do what we want with him.”

Meanwhile Barbie has left Mickey Rourke and has taken up with Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil.

“Vince is so fascinating.  He’s led an interesting life.  And he has a penis.”


9 Responses

  1. Karen Howes says:

    I don’t feel bad for Ken. After all, he was having an affair with PJ.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KH: Surely you jest? Ken only has eyes for Barbie, who cruelly tossed him aside for one little genetic abnormality. I feel for poor Ken. I feel his pain.

  3. The Jungers says:

    You know I feel bad for any man without a penis, but i can’t relate. I can relate with having no soul its actually rather freeing.

  4. Well, since Ken’s business is already out there, I’m just gonna say that Barbie is missing a pretty critical piece of reproductive anatomy as well.

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: And all this time I thought Barbie just shaved.

  6. Matt says:

    Think about it though, all the “male” toys could sue for damages. GI Joe…no penis. Six Million Dollar Man…no penis. This is pure exploitation on the part of the evil toy corporations. I’m surprised that the lefties aren’t protesting it!

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: I think the lefties would like the fact that the male toys have been emasculated. Isn’t that what the lefties have been trying to do for decades?

  8. Matt says:

    Yeah, but if they can use it to take a shot at corporations…

  9. MK says:

    “No penis and no soul. I might as well go into management.”

    or democrat politics.

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