The Colosseum of Rome, officially known as the Flavian Amphitheater will be rebuilt, it was announced today.
“It is with great pleasure that I announce that the Flavian Amphitheater will be rebuilt” declared Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. “It is an Italian treasure and I am proud to state that once again, after being rebuilt with modern amenities, the Colosseum will host Christians being torn apart by lions. I mean, soccer matches.”
A consortium headed by Mark Cuban, Jay-Z, Donald Trump and Dustin Diamond, who played “Screech” on Saved by the Bell bought the Colosseum after answering an ad on Craigslist for a “slightly used amphitheater with historical charm, good for feeding Christians to lions. I mean soccer matches.”
Standing beside Prime Minister Berlusconi Donald Trump told reporters that the Colosseum will undergo an extensive three-year modernization which will include installing luxury boxes and a retractable roof as well as cages to house hungry lions. When asked what the hungry lions were for, Trump responded, “Umm, for the soccer matches of course.”
Also to be included in the modernization will be ample concessions, including pizza, pasta and that traditional Italian staple, General Tso’s Chicken.
Sushi will also be available but only to those who buy a personal seat license in the planned luxury boxes. The new luxury boxes will cost 1,000,000 Euros ($975,000 U.S. dollars).
“As you can see, the price is reasonable and well within the price range of the average rock star” said Trump. “And what rock star wouldn’t like to sit in a luxury box, eating sushi while watching Christians being torn apart by hungry lions. I mean, watch soccer matches. After all, soccer is the sport of the entire world, second only to watching my combover blow in the breeze.”
A reporter from L’Osservatore Romano, the official newspaper for the Vatican asked if the modernization of the Colosseum was just a cover to feed Christians to lions. The reporter was surrounded by security and taken away. Later he could be heard screaming “My god they are ripping me to shreds!”
“He went to watch a soccer match” said Trump. “Apparently a brawl has broken out.”
The rebuilt Colosseum will open in the Summer of 2014 with a concert by Jay-Z. The opening act will be Christians being fed to lions.
“It’s a new rock group” said Trump. “Don’t look at my hair.”
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Jay-Z will then make a song called “Rome” which will be a huge hit. Afterwards, he’ll bang Rihanna.
In that case all I have to say is more power to Jay-Z.
Soccer, execution as entertainment… same difference, really.
Soccer is execution. Boring, banal and mindless. I’m surprised the Bishops haven’t added soccer to the Mass.
Apparently, even the Bishops have limits.
(Mental note) avoid Italy at all costs. Come to think of it, I already avoid soccer like the evil, mind numbing plague that it is. So, I’m already at 50% clear.