“It ain’t like football.  You can’t make up no trick plays” ~ Yogi Berra

Is there anything more beautiful than attending a weekday matinee baseball game?  It’s like a victory over life.  Instead of being at work and taking grief from interns probably 20 years younger than you are, you go to a game.  Now your biggest problems are keeping score, explaining the infield rule to the tourist sitting next to you and figuring out how many 11 dollar beers you can afford.

Of course, I work nights so it’s not quite the same.  But I have work days in the past so I know.  I know.  Look into my eyes and you’ll see I know what it’s like to want to strangle an intern, dismember the body and hide the parts in the back of the freezer.  Umm.  I’m just saying…..in case you’re in law enforcement and are reading this.  This is all theoretical.  No, I don’t care what you thought you saw the cat eating.

A day after defeating that other team whose name will not even pass my lips they met again for a getaway  matinee.  The Yankees started Phil  Hughes (13-5 3.92 ERA) while the team polite people do not mention started the tough John Lester (12-7 2.94 ERA.)

It was a pitcher’s duel from the start.  Phil Hughes pitched six solid innings giving up 2 runs on 6 hits while striking out three.  But John Lester was better, holding the Yankees hitless for the first  4 1/3 innings before giving up a single to Austin “Won’t be with the Yankees next year” Kearns.

The Yankees best chance to win came in the seventh when they loaded the bases with no out.  The person next to me asked me if I though they would score.  I replied, “Well, Posada’s on third.  No outs.  A home run may score him but you never know.”  Needless to say, the Yankees did not score. Curtis “Epic Fail” Granderson, Derek “Rally Killer” Jeter and Nick “It’s Sad When I’m Carrying the Team” Swisher all struck out.  Which points out the biggest weakness of this team:  They couldn’t move runners over if they were naked, covered in thousand dollar bills and oiled up in a Chinatown whore house.  I’m not sure that made sense but I like the image.  Let the MSM worry about making sense.  I’m just a blogger.

The Yankees did get a run in the top of the eighth when Mark Teixeira led off with a home run.

Final score:  That other team 2  Yankees 1

Notes on the game:

Granted, it’s Yankees and the Red Sawks, but do we really need SWAT teams outside the stadium?

I find it’s fun if I occasionally stand up in my seat and shout, “You maniacs!  You blew it up.  God damn you all to Hell!”  I recommend that everyone do this when attending a baseball game.

If  you don’t want to do this I suggest shouting, “Dr. Zaius would an ape make a human doll that talks?” or the old standby “Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape.” A very appropriate shout in this case as the Red Sawks can stand in for the apes.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

Lonely, depressed and unsure of how he stands with the Yankees, Nick Johnson took a second job as a vacuum cleaner salesman.  However when demonstrating its suction capacity to a client Johnson tragically sucked his entire face off, leaving just veins, teeth and eye sockets. Gruesome as the injury is, the Yankees are confident, absolutely confident this will in no way delay his return to the starting lineup.

Recommended reading material:

The Civil War as a Theological Crisis by Mark A. Noll.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes “They have these nice crackers.  I like to eat crackers.  Sometimes they land on my shirt and my dog licks them off.  It tickles.  Oh, and lay off Philadelphia.”

Poor D.B.  I told him not to institutionalize himself but he wouldn’t listen.

L.K. of New Jersey writes “So you’re saying that if my neighbors think they see my cat playing with what appears to be a human bone I can say it’s just their imagination?”

L.K., I am not authorized to give that information out.  But, yes.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “The movements of the genitals…..don’t obey reason.”

Speak for yourself Tom.  My genitals always obey reason.  And that reason tells me to do whatever actress Olivia D’Abo asks me to do.

So this year my record stands at a nonimpressive 8-7.  My next game is Tuesday August 17th against the Detroit “The city is on a rebound.  Seriously.” Tigers.

Go Yankees!

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