“Baseball players are smarter than football players.  How often do you see a baseball team penalized for having too many men on the field?” ~ Jim Bouton, 1988

Tonight I went to Yankee Stadium to see the Yankees play the Devil’s pawn, the fast fading Boston Red Sawks.  As CC Sabathia pitched yesterday, today would have been A.J. Burnett’s start.  As I was riding the subway up to the Bronx I was pondering which A.J. would show up?  Good A.J. or bad A.J.  Fortunately A.J. was scratched with groin stiffness.  (Isn’t that just like a professional athlete?)

In place of the groin-ravaged Burnett the Yankees started Dustin Moseley (2-1 3.86 ERA) while the Red Sawks started Josh “Asshole” Beckett (3-2 6.21 ERA).

The Yankees got on the board first when Brett Gardner singled Lance “Fat Elvis” Berkman to third.  He scored on the throwing error by Bill Hall.   Gardner scored when Jeter hit a shallow single.  2-0 Yankees after two. The Red “Devil’s Pawn” Sawks got a run back in the top of the fifth when the aforementioned Bill  Hall homered to deep left.  However the Yankees batted around in the bottom of the inning, scoring five runs on four hits, including a Mark Teixeira home run to the bleachers one section to my left. 7-1 Yankees after five.  The Red “respectable society does not root for them” Sawks scored their final run in the top of the seventh when Mike Lowell, pinch hitting for Kevin Cash singled home Adrian Beltre.

Final score:  Yankees 7 Red Sawks 2

Notes on the game:

Beating the Red Sawks is a joyful feeling.  A feeling of satisfaction and contentment.  Much like accidentally stumbling across great porn on the internet.  One feels alive.  “This is what life is all about!  And thank god that site I accidentally stumbled upon took my credit card.”

One day after doing his best Nick Johnson impression and getting injured in batting practice, Alex Rodriguez was back in the lineup.  However he was mostly ineffective.

Lance Berkman, who hit a line drive off AROD’s ankle in batting practice yesterday had his first good day as a Yankee, going 3-4 and driving in a run while scoring two.  Ever the team player, AROD has graciously volunteered to be hit by line drives by Berkman before every game.  “It’s all for the team” said Alex. He also said, “Derek is so mean to me sometimes.  I don’t know why I love him. But God help me I do.  I do.”

Before the game I bumped into a couple NYPD officers in the men’s room.  I was tempted to say “security is so tight I was barely able to smuggle in my rifle.” But for the first time in my life my I listened to my internal censor. Probably saved me from a savage beating.

There were five citizens from the Red Sawks Nation sitting behind me in the bleachers.  Talk about illegal immigration.  Where’s Arizona’s Governor when you need her?

Being televised by ESPN, John Kruk and his fellow announcers were on the field before the game.  Kruk, true to form, had smothered Trey Wingo in BBQ sauce and was consuming him.  Mmmmm.  Buffalo Wingos!

A couple of good fights in the bleachers.  A couple of drunk Red Sawks fans were ejected.  It’s tough being a small market team with a small payroll.  I mean it’s tough having the second highest payroll in the majors and still sucking.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

While sitting on the toilet in the locker room, Nick got stuck on the throne.  Paramedics were called who had to use the jaws of life to separate Johnson from the toilet.  “Please hurry” pleaded Johnson. “The blood has stopped flowing to my ass.  It’s falling asleep!”  Too late.  Once he was freed from the toilet and overcompensating for his numb ass, Johnson slipped on the linoleum floor, knocking himself unconscious and suffering a concussion.  Yankee executives are confident, absolutely confident that this will in no way impede his quick return to the lineup.

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of “J.D. Drew.  Yeah you Drew.  Listen.  I have this rash.  Do you know of any good ointments or creams to stop the burning?” didn’t even draw a response from Drew.  He never turned around.  I guess it’s true about pro athletes. They have their money and don’t care about the fans.

Recommended reading material:

The Road by Cormac McCarthy.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia write, “Leave Kruk alone or I’ll send some of my boys up to New York to give you a Chicago overcoat.”

Wow.  Philadelphia.  A cold dark cruel unlivable place, devoid of oxygen and hostile to all life.  Like Pleasant Valley, New York, or my laundry basket.

S.J. of Harlem writes, “I learned a new word!  I learned a new word!’

Must be all that mary jane she smokes.  She forgets lots of words.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “Lustful caresses are always fatal.”

You are a wet blanket Tom.

So my record this year stands at 8-6.  My next game is Monday August 9th against the Bahstahn Red Sawks.  What does Bahstahn do?  That’s right.  Bahstahn sawks cack!

Go Yankees!

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