In Wake of Shooting, Ford's Theater to Review Security Procedures

John Wilkes Booth - famous deviled eggs eaterReacting to uproar over the assassination of President Lincoln, Ford’s Theater has announced a “complete overhaul” of their security procedures.

We should have seen this coming” said the Director of Ford’s Theater.  “What with our slogan and all.” 

He is referring to Ford’s Theater’s official slogan of “Come for the play.  Stay for the assassination.  Free deviled eggs!”

The new slogan will be:  “Come for the play.  No assassination tonight.  Deviled eggs five for a dollar.”

In addition to the change in slogan, ushers will have to ask all patrons if they plan to assassinate the President.  Those who respond in the affirmative  will have their deviled eggs confiscated.   They will also be asked to have sexual relations with Mrs. Lincoln.

“Fear can be a very powerful motivator.”

The Presidential Box will become an “assassination free zone.”  A security guard will be placed outside the box with orders to shoot on sight anyone “suspicious looking and/or with deviled eggs on their breath.”

The practice of pinning a note on the President’s back that says “Shoot me” will be discontinued.

“We feel these new procedures will help rehabilitate our image and we hope that President Johnson will visit us. We’ve even stocked the President’s box with plenty of booze.”

In related news the alleged assassin John Wilkes Booth was cornered and shot to death in a barn in Virginia.

“It was easy to find him” said the general in charge of the hunt.  “We just followed the trail of deviled eggs.”


12 Responses

  1. Karen Howes says:

    Deviled eggs? I’m there– assassination or no assassination!

  2. innominatus says:

    If we had UN Blue Helmets watching the Theater, this kind of stuff wouldn’t be happening.

    Off topic but I can’t help it…

    You know I’m more of an NLer but I think I have to start rooting for the Yankees after hearing the D-Rays snivel about losing ‘cuz a pop-up hit their roof.

    Hello! You’re in FLOR-I-DUH! You don’t get snowed out! You don’t need no steenkin’ dome to play your ball in!

  3. KingShamus says:

    Look, even at five for a dollar, that’s pretty good for devilled eggs.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KH: If they exhume Lee Harvey Oswald’s body I bet you they’d find deviled eggs.

    Inn: Why does Florida even have a ML franchise? Much less two? I think Tropicana Field should change the ground rules: If a ball hits the catwalk Beer is free for the next two innings.

    KS: I thought I saw you on the grassy knoll!!

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: P.S. if the UN Blue Helmets were at the theater all they would do would be to rape Mrs. Lincoln and then blame the Jews.

  6. What, no body scanners? Metal detectors? What is a night at the theater coming to?

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Those options are more expensive than confiscation of deviled eggs.

  8. Matt says:

    This is an ironclad means to stop assassinations. I mean, first they ask people. That’s pretty bulletproof. Then, with the deviled eggs? It’s foolproof!

  9. Manhattan Infidel says:

    And we all know that if you ask someone a direct question they will tell the truth! Foolproof! And it’s a well-known fact assassins prefer deviled eggs.

  10. Mark says:

    I can’t seem to find the coat I’m looking for. This is the Burlington Coat Factory site, right?

  11. Manhattan Infidel says:

    For the last time, I am NOT associated with Burlington Coat Factory. Though I do have a nice selection of ties.

  12. Matthew says:

    Other than that, how was the play?

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>