New Vaginal Gel Reduces Risk of Sexually Transmitted Disease 89%

Odorless, colorless, slip sliding funA new study has found that a promising new vaginal gel reduces the risk of sexually transmitted disease, including HIV infection, 89%.

A clinical trial of the new gel, dubbed, “Gooey Sticky Mess 4.0” has proven quite promising in trials between coeds and their sexual partners.

Researchers at the microbiology department at the University of Minnesota announced the result of a 10-year study to find a gel that would reduce the risk of sexual infection.  Said the head of the study in a phone interview:

When we started our research we knew what we wanted:  An odorless, colorless, tasteless gel that would kill microbes responsible for sexually transmitted diseases, whether it be herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis or HIV.

The first attempt, “Gooey Sticky Mess 1.0” was unsuccessful primarily because it failed the odorless test.

We found that it gave off an odor that was quite pungent.  One woman said that her sexual partner complained that she smelled like Prince Fielder’s jock strap after playing a doubleheader in 100 degree heat.  Another woman complained that even after repeated showers she was not able to wash off the offensive stench, which she likened to the toilet of a Greyhound bus after the host of ‘Man vs. Food’ had used it.

After the failure of Gooey Sticky Mess 1.0, researchers spent the next couple years dealing with the odor problem and released Gooey Sticky Mess 2.0.

This was a major step forward.  The offensive odor that people complained of in the earlier version was eliminated.  However, there was one unexpected side effect.  It turned the male sexual partners into Don KnottsDon Knotts, an unfortunate side effect of vaginal gel

And who wants to look like Don Knotts?  David Doyle perhaps but not Don Knotts.

Gooey Sticky Mess 2.0 was pulled from production.  Further research produced Gooey Sticky Mess 3.0

This was our most promising gel yet.  We solved the odor problem and most importantly, there were no  hideous Don Knotts apparitions.  However we had a residual problem with the color of the gel.  It turned all women into a shade of green that made them look like Orion slave girls. Women started complaining that their choice of sexual partners became confined to Star Trek geeks and bloggers. Green woman - a side affect of vaginal gel

Finally, after much research, Gooey Sticky Mess 4.0 was released.

This finally solved all the previous problems.  No odor.  No Don Knotts.  No Orion slave girls.  The new gel stops the spread of all sexually transmitted disease.  We theorize that because the new gel has the same viscosity as Lake Erie it kills microbes on contact.  But we think mainly because once the woman applies the new gel penetration becomes physically impossible.  Indeed our only complaints are from the men who keep asking us to bring back the Orion slave girls.

Gooey Sticky Mess 4.0 has been approved by the FDA and will sell for $29.95 a bottle.


2 Responses

  1. Karen Howes says:

    GAH! Ewww….

    So when is Gooey Sticky Mess 5.0 coming out? And will it also work to keep difficult hairstyles in place?

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    A prototype of version 5.0 is currently being test marketed in Croatia. No ETA on when it will become available in the U.S.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>