“Baseball is a harbor, a seclusion from failure that really matters, a playful utopia in which virtuosity can be savored to the third decimal place of a batting average” ~ Mark Kramer

Tonight I went to the second game of the Yankees series against the Toronto “Canada loves baseball, eh” Blue Jays.  As everyone knows, Alex Rodriguez has been trying to hit his 600 home run for longer than O.J. Simpson has been looking for the real killers.  Alex, alas, came up empty tonight.  (O.J. feels your pain Alex.)

The Yankees started in place of Andy Pettitte who is still nursing his ravaged groin Dustin Moseley (1-1 4.2 ERA) while the Toronto Blue Jays started Ricky Romero (9-7 3.37.)  Romero was a Yankee killer pitching a complete game and only giving up two hits (one of which was a home run to Mark Teixeira which gave the Yankees their only lead of the game.)  2 -0 after one.  Would the Yankees win?  Nope.  Romero got the Yankees to ground into 11 ground outs.

Moseley on the other hand didn’t pitch badly but kept giving up key hits and left with one out in the seventh after giving up nine hits and five runs.  Hopefully Pettitte will be getting the cast removed from his groin soon.  Moseley was replaced by recent Yankee acquisition Kerry “washed up” Woods who lived up to his name, giving up a home run to Aaron  Hill.  He was replaced by Sergio “should be washed up” Mitre who pitched an inning and also gave up a home run, this one to Juan Bautista.

Final score:  Toronto 8 Yankees 2.

Notes on the game:

New Yankee Lance “Fat Elvis” Berkman now has his own cheering section dubbed “Lance’s fat fucks.”  I’m joking about that but seriously.  Lance Berkman?  Kerry Wood?  It seems the Yankees are reverting to type and trading for people way past their prime.  Expect Greg Luzinski to be signed soon.

Former President Bill Clinton was at the game.  But I think Bill was confused and thought it was a college football game and showed up just to pick up the cheerleaders.

Paul Simon was at the game.  Absolutely no truth to the rumor that he paid the groundskeepers to cut up a section of Yankee Stadium’s thick, luxuriant turf so that he could take it home and fashion it into a makeshift toupee.  Absolutely no truth to this rumor.  Seriously, I don’t know how these rumors start.

During the game I started praying to the baseball God, “Please, please let AROD hit his 600th home run.”   Well, right after I did this I noticed a feminine figure descend from the heavens.  She was dressed in an orange jumpsuit and said to me, “Your prayers have been answered.  For I am Lindsay Lohan, the Goddess of Baseball.  Alex Rodriguez will now hit -“

Before she could finish the sentence she soiled herself, flashed her privates and passed out.  AROD did not hit the home run.  I blame God.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

While rehabbing from his unfortunate chainsaw encounter Nick was attacked by birds who used their sharp beaks to burrow into his skull, siphoning out a large portion of his brain matter.  Yankee trainer Gene Monahan was able to distract the birds and scoop up the brain matter in his hands and insert it back into Johnson’s skull.

“We think we have Nick back” said Monahan.  “But when I asked him his name he replied ‘Snooki.’ ”

Recommended reading material:

The Life and Times of Pancho Villa by Friedrich Katz.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Lay off the City of Brotherly Love.  It’s a great and noble city.  I see dead people.”

Umm.  Okay.

John Corzine of New Jersey writes, “I was ttrying tonot usse the word romantic.  That should have been obvios.  I undwerstand angst but I am trying noyt to make news.”

Spell check John.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “A man using both hands is a single toucher even if he touches twice.”

That’s exactly what I told my blind date the other night.  But she didn’t believe me.  And let me tell you, mace really burns.

So far this season my record stands at an emotionally disturbing 7 – 6.  Perhaps because of this after the game I killed a homeless  man. But the details are unimportant.

My next game is Sunday August 8th as the Yankees play the abomination of desolation known as the Boston Red Sox.  And what does Boston do?  That’s right.  Bahstahn sawks cack.

Go Yankees!

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