“Love is the most important thing in the world.  But baseball is pretty good too” ~ Greg, age 8

So tonight your humble correspondent went to Yankee Stadium to see the Yankees play the Toronto “Eh?” Blue Jays.

For those of you who have been under a rock or, God forbid, do not care about baseball (hello J.B. in Chicago), Alex Rodriguez is stuck on 599 home runs and has yet to hit number 600.  Because baseball is a game of records it’s all about the milestones.  Joe Dimaggio’s 56 game hitting streak, Cy Young’s never to be broken record of 511 victories, my never unbroken record of being rejected by 45 women in a row.  (I blame the one eye in the middle of my forehead.  It just says “troglodyte.”   And what woman wants to date a troglodytist?  That and my furry back.)  Yep.  I’m pretty sure that’s it.

Anyway, on to the game!

Actually it was a painful experience and I’ve blocked most of the four hours of agony out.  But here are a few tattered remnants of what I remember.

Temporarily banished from my usual seat in the front row of the bleacher I took my assigned seat in the back row of the upper deck.  Tension was in the air.  Which A.J. Burnett would show up. Good A.J. or bad A.J?  Unfortunately, “staggering in an alley covered in blood and holding a carving knife while muttering ‘I killed her, my god I killed her’ “ A.J. showed up.

The Yankees scored first, thanks to a two-run Nick Swisher home run in the bottom of the first.  Little did I know this was the last  lead the Yankees would hold.  The wheels came off the Yankee caravan in the 5th as Toronto batted around, scoring seven runs to take an 8 -2 lead (Vernon Wells had hit a solo shot in the top of the second.)

The final score was 8 -6.  Mark Teixeira hit a two-run home run making it 8 -4.  Lance “Fat Elvis” Berkman had his first Yankee RBI in the sixth making it 8 – 5 and Nick Swisher hit his second home run of the game in the ninth making it 8 -6.   Yankees lose.

Notes on the game:

The Yankees have experienced a few losses this year and are running out of spaces on the uniform to put a black patch.  Steinbrenner, Bob Sheppard and now former manager Ralph Houk, who managed the ’61 and ’62 World Champions have died.   To  make space the Yankees now have a black armband  wrapped around their jockstraps.  Joba Chamberlain demonstrated it before the game and collapsed in pain while screaming, “It’s bunching up….it’s bunching up.  Good god my testicles!”

Nick  Johnson injury watch:

With the acquisition of  Lance Berkman Nick Johnson’s days as the once and future DH appear in jeopardy.  Reacting to the threat, and with his feelings hurt, Johnson bought a chainsaw to confront his new rival.  Unfortunately, while testing said chainsaw, Johnson accidentally separated his torso from the rest of his body.  As he lay on the ground, bleeding and severed with guts, intestines and pizza oozing out of his torso Johnson grabbed some duct tape and reattached himself.  Unfortunately he then tripped and sprained his ankle.  The Yankee front office is confident. absolutely confident that this will not delay his return to the lineup.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I don’t know what goes on in New York but here in Philadelphia chicks dig a furry back.  My wife said she would not have married me if I was a ‘smooth backer.’   It’s a status symbol.  My friends are proud that I’m a gray back.”

Umm.   I’m sorry readers.  I apologize for D.B.  Obviously he works for an accounting firm.

A.G. of Tennessee, but I’ll call him former Vice President Al Gore writes, “I thought a blow job came with the back rub?  I need my chakras released.  Hooy yeah!”

Well the man did work with Bill Clinton for eight years.

T.B. of Astoria Queens writes, “I have to second D.B.  Women love a furry back.  My wife loves my back  hair.  She loves to run her fingers through it.  No wait, you said back hair, not the hair on the back of your head.  That’s different.  FREAK!”

Wow.  That hurts T.B.  You must be from Philadelphia.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes again, “Blow jobs are given out in Philadelphia as part of a massage…..what…..honey……ouch…. stop hitting me.”

Thomas Aquinas writes, “When we eat and drink well gas is formed.”

Obviously Tom’s had the pizza at Yankee Stadium.

And that was tonight’s game. Oh, and AROD went 0 – 4.

So far this year my record stands at a disturbing 7 – 5.  My next game is Tuesday August 3rd against the selfsame Toronto Blue Jays.

Go Yankees!

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