Me and Richard Kimble: Both misunderstood. Both on the run

So apparently New York is a prudish town. Being naked in public is still a crime.  Not wanting to go to jail I was forced to flee. I am now on the run.  A fugitive looking for the one-armed man who stole my pants.

Anyway, enjoy this post from September 3rd, 2009.

World’s Oldest Dog Dies; Sarah Jessica Parker to Play her in TV Movie!

The world’s oldest dog, a victim of the Republican party’s war on women!

Chanel, a wire-haired dachshund who at 21 years of age was credited as the oldest dog in the world has passed away.  She died quietly at her human companion’s home in Long Island surrounded by loved ones and one very happy cat.

Recently Chanel had become depressed as old age cruelly stripped her of her dignity.

“Chanel would look up at me with those soulful eyes and I knew she was suffering.  Drugs would have helped her in her final days but my insurance doesn’t cover pets” declared her grief-stricken human companion.

“But there is a special bond between an animal and a human companion.  When she would put her paw in my hand I knew what she was saying.  She was saying ‘Please help the Democrats pass health care reform.  Don’t let the Republicans let me die.’ ”

The story of Chanel has touched heartstrings across the nation.  Hallmark has picked up the story and plans to run a TV movie about her in the Spring.

“This is just the warmhearted story that appeals to our viewers” said Hallmark President and Chief Executive Officer William J. Abbott.

The movie will follow her from a puppy to her later years and show the unconditional love she gave to her human companions.  In a casting coup, Sarah Jessica Parker has signed on to play Chanel.

“We chose Sarah because she is one of the world’s most famous actresses.  Also, since our budget is low we will be saving on makeup costs  with Sarah playing Chanel” said Abbott.  “We auditioned other actresses but none said ‘dog’ quite like Parker.”

“We are looking forward to the movie” said Abbott.  “It’ll be a historically accurate documentation of Chanel’s 21 years.”

The movie is scheduled to begin filming sometime after the New Year.

In more bold casting moves, Danny Devito will play Chanel as a puppy who escapes from an abusive Republican master. Josh Brolin has been signed on to play George W. Bush, who orders Chanel’s death in order to satisfy his own insatiable blood lust.

(31)

Manhattan Infidel experiences the American criminal justice system

Day four of my vacation couldn’t have been more fun.  Today I experienced our criminal justice system from the inside.  For the sake of research mind you and not because I was walking down 2nd avenue without any pants on.

Following up on yesterday’s post on our national debt I continue the theme of our troubled economic times.  Is our fiat currency actually worth anything?  Is there an alternative? Fortunately William Devane has the answer.

Please enjoy this post from November 20, 2013.

A Message From William Devane

The world is in crisis and I intend to be on top!

It’s not often that I get a request from a celebrity to use the pages of my blog to make an announcement.  But today I have that honor as noted thespian William Devane has asked to address my readers.  Take it away Mr. Devane.

Hi.  I’m William Devane and I see the world in financial crisis with trillions in deficits, political upheaval, and unstable governments trying to print their way out of money troubles.  I’ve become very concerned.

Years ago my father told me to invest in land.  Well I did.  And I did very well.  Do you know what else he told me?  Invest in gold.  And he was right.  There’s so much financial craziness in the world today.  I just feel so much more secure knowing that I own gold. And you can’t print gold!  Don’t you just love the feel of gold?

So protect yourself from the problems and chaos of the world and invest in stability with gold.

I thank my father for giving me investment advice. He was a smart man.

Do you know what else he told me?  Stock up on weapons and use them to kill your enemies.  And I have.  You should see what’s buried in the woods behind my house.

At first I thought my father was crazy.  Then I killed my first Hollywood producer.  A single shot to the back of the head.  After I made sure he was dead I chopped the body up in my tub, boiled the bones and deposited his fleshy pulp in a dumpster.

I know what you are saying.  “I don’t think I have it in me to kill.”  Well don’t worry. I thought the same thing.  But I’ve been killing people for over 40 years and let me tell you it gets easier.  And you’ll be more efficient at it.  Now when I dispatch one of my personal enemies I don’t even leave any blood behind thanks to my stockpiling of plastic tarps.  You don’t want those pesky CSI people rummaging around your house, do you?

Do you know what else my father told me?  Western civilization will collapse and mankind will resort to cannibalism.  It’s an inevitability.  

In my basement are usually between 15 and 20 people I have captured.  I used them for food.  I feed them just enough to keep them alive and fleshy.  Then when I feel they are ripe I go down into the basement with an ax and hack off a limb.  Then I roast the limb over a fire.  It’s delicious and you’re taking less risk than buying processed food.

You may be asking yourself  “Don’t they bleed to death after you hack off a limb?”  Of course not.  I cauterize the wound.  I’m no animal.  Besides eating only one limb at a time is economical.  And I leave the fleshy torso for last.   I tell you when you bite into a torso it’s like Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter dinner rolled into one.

Do you hear that?  It’s my doorbell.  Probably Girl Scouts selling cookies. I think I’ll buy some.  I love Girl Scout Cookies.  And the Girl Scouts themselves will be easy to overpower and chain up in my basement until I feel they are ripe.

So to recap the excellent advice my father gave me:

1. Invest in gold.
2. Stock up on weapons.
3. Become a cannibal.

I’m William Devane and I’m prepared for the apocalypse. Are you?

Um. Thanks. Mr. Devane. You know I really should start investing in gold.

(39)

Manhattan Infidel enjoys the hospitality of the NYPD

It is day three of my vacation.  I’d like to thank all those who support my blog.  I’d like to thank the web service that hosts my blog. But most importantly I want to thank the NYPD for allowing me access to a computer while “visiting” their fine facilities.

In today’s climate of entitlement spending and runaway debt we need someone who can explain the situation to those who aren’t necessarily politically or economically savvy. And who better than America’s sweetheart, Charlie Sheen. Please enjoy this post from February 11, 2011.

Take it away Charlie. I mean literally. Take that thing away from me.  I’m not touching it.

Charlie Sheen Explains Our National Debt

Our national debt explained using the coke analogy

With our national debt now exceeding 13 trillion dollars and interest payments alone reaching 413 billion many Americans are having a hard time coming to grips with the reality of unsupportable debt.

Here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we have struggled with exactly how to present our impending financial armageddon in a way that is informative and entertaining.  And that is why we have asked successful Hollywood actor Charlie Sheen to use his very special talent in this cause.  Take it away Mr. Sheen.

Thank you Manhattan Infidel.  You know, debt is not necessarily a bad thing.  People go into debt all the time to buy houses, finance a new business, run drugs across the Mexican border, etc etc etc.  This is what’s known as supportable debt.  The U.S. used to have supportable debt.  Let’s look at some figures and I will explain the debt using analogies from my own life.

In 1970 our total national debt was 389 billion.  That’s like getting serviced in an alleyway by a prostitute while your kids wait in the back of your car.  No big deal.  We’ve all done it.

By 1980 our national debt had grown to 930 billion.  Wow.  Why that’s like renting an entire floor in a Las Vegas hotel for a night, filling it with trannies and giving them all reach arounds while snorting a few grams of coke.  I can do it without breaking a sweat but I’m approaching the point of no return.

By 1990 our national debt was three trillion.  Let’s put it this way.   Three trillion in debt is like spending the entire weekend in your hotel room with porn stars, shotguns and a suitcase filled with cocaine.  You are just asking for trouble!  I mean, it’s fun and who wouldn’t enjoy doing that but still you are mortgaging your future.

In 2000 our national debt had grown to a whopping six trillion!  That’s like spending not just a weekend but an entire week locked in your hotel room with a busload of porn stars while armored trucks filled with cocaine arrive hourly. Think of the trucks of cocaine as interest payments on the debt and the porn stars as entitlement spending.  Obviously you’d be so busy snorting all the coke you can get your hands on you would have to limit the reach arounds for the porn stars.

Now as of  the end of 2010 our national debt is an astronomical 13 trillion!  This is what’s called unsupportable debt.  I’d have to fill the entire Empire State building with cocaine and start at the observation deck and snort my way down to the street, stopping occasionally to have psychotic episodes or heart attacks.  I may even black out and wake up in a puddle of blood, vomit and feces next to a disemboweled porn star. Hey, this is what happens with unsupportable debt!

So you see my fellow Americans we should fear our debt.  It is time to establish fiscal discipline.  Now if you excuse me I have to give a reach around to the nice security guard who is delivering my suitcase of cocaine.

Thank you Mr. Sheen.  Listen to him America.  He knows what he’s talking about.

(61)

Manhattan Infidel enjoys his vacation

It is day two of Manhattan Infidel’s vacation.  I’m having a good time my god I haven’t thrown up so much since college and I hope my loyal readers are as well.

Because I care about my readers and If I ever need an alibi I know they will be happy to provide one I ain’t going down for you Manhattan Infidel!

In the meantime enjoy this post from December 30, 2010 with perhaps the greatest drummer in rock history not named Mickey Dolenz.

My Exclusive Interview with Pete Best

Pete Best, pictured here in one of the many jobs he was fired from

The Beatles.  The most successful recording act of all time.  Everyone knows them.  John, Paul, George and Ringo.  But perhaps what some don’t know is that they had a drummer before Ringo – Pete Best.  From 1960 to 1962 Pete was the Beatles drummer during their formative years only to be fired on the cusp of superstardom. As part of my continuing series of interviews with celebrities I tracked down Mr. Best who was gracious enough to grant an interview.

MI:  Thank you for agreeing to this interview.

Pete Best:  I’m always happy to meet with my fans.

MI:  I’m not a fan.  I’m a journalist.

Pete Best:  Like I said I’m always happy to meet with my fans.  Do you have any sandwiches or cookies on you?  I haven’t eaten in a couple days.

MI:  Let’s talk about the Beatles.  You were with them for two years.  And then you were fired.  Why?

Pete Best: I don’t know.  I was never given an explanation.  Some say it was because I refused to adopt a Beatle haircut.  Others because I kept insisting the Beatles should become a marching band.  Others think I was fired because of the time I got drunk and ran over John’s mother in my car.  All I know is that Brian Epstein called me into his office and said “Pete – the boys want you out and Ringo in.  Will you sleep with me?”

MI:  What did you do after the Beatles?

Pete Best:  I formed my own band – the Pete Best Combo.  We moved to America and toured the country.

MI:  Any success?

Pete Best:  Well we were just starting to have success when they fired me.

MI:  Why?

Pete Best:  I was never given an explanation.  Some say it was because I refused to adopt the Pete Best Combo haircut.

MI:  What did you do after that?

Pete Best: I was hired by NASA. I was part of the original Apollo 11 crew but two days before liftoff I was fired.

MI:  Tough break.  Why?

Pete Best: Neil Armstrong said it was because Buzz Aldrin was a better drummer. Others say it was because I refused to adopt the NASA haircut.

MI:  And after that?

Pete Best:  I was hired as a metronome.  It was a good gig but they fired me because they said I couldn’t keep a steady beat.

MI:  This was the low point of your life.  You attempted suicide after that by putting your head in an oven.

Pete Best:  Yes.  A painful memory.  Unfortunately it was an electric oven.  I ended up burning most of my face off.

MI:  What happened after that?

Pete Best:  I was hired as Chief of Security for the Watergate Hotel in Washington D.C.   But after the break-in I was fired. I don’t know why though my boss told me it was because G. Gordon Liddy was a better drummer and because I refused to adopt the Watergate Hotel haircut.

MI:  Switching tracks – have you heard from any of the other Beatles over the years?

Pete Best: Ringo called me up one New Year’s Eve.  He sounded drunk. He kept playing the drums and telling me “That’s how it’s done!”  Then he kept taunting me, saying that he’s seen Catherine Bach naked.

MI:  But he’s married to Barbara Bach.

Pete Best:  You mean he’s seen her naked too? Oh man,  now I really hate Ringo.

MI:  I see you’ve finally adopted a Beatle haircut.

Pete Best:  Hey!  Hey! It’s not a Beatle haircut.  It’s a Justin Bieber haircut.

MI:  What are you doing now?

Pete Best:  I work for the Department of Sanitation in New York City.  I’m responsible for snow removal after blizzards.

MI:  Oh, so you’re the person responsible for not plowing any side streets this week.

Pete Best:  Hold on, my blackberry is buzzing. Hey, I’m getting an email from Mayor Bloomberg…….What the…..oh come on!

MI:  What?

Pete Best:  I’ve just been fired.  And replaced by Ringo.

MI:  That’s tough.  Any explanation?

Pete Best:  He says it’s because Ringo is better at snow removal and because I refused to adopt a Department of Sanitation haircut.

MI:  Okay.  Well once again thanks for meeting with me.

Pete Best:  My pleasure.  But seriously.  Do you have any food on you?  I haven’t eaten in days.

(92)

Manhattan Infidel is on vacataion. Okay, he’s drinking again and doesn’t have time to write

After enjoying the Christmas celebrations at the Manhattan Infidel residence (which consists of a mini keg of Heineken and pizza) I have decided to take the week off and relax. But I will be back after the New Year.

All this week while I relax drink heavily I will be re-posting some of my favorites from the years. So please enjoy this entry from June  8, 2012

May your cheekbones be as high as mine.

Manhattan Infidel’s Favorite Cherokee Recipes

Native American warrior and cook Elizabeth Warren

The other day while looking in the mirror and admiring my ridiculously high cheekbones I said to myself, “Manhattan Infidel, you love to cook.  And you’re proud of your  1/32 Cherokee heritage.  Why not combine the two?”

Yes I know that my fellow Cherokee Elizabeth Warren has already done this and while I don’t want to criticize a tribe member there are a few traditional Cherokee recipes she left out.  And so I dive into that void.  Please enjoy these traditional Cherokee dishes that my parents used to cook while reciting family folklore about the struggles of native Americans.

Cherokee Pasta

Native American Pasta

This is a traditional and delicious native American treat.  Family folklore tells of my ancestors preparing pasta every night as they huddled around the fire engaging in Cherokee activities such as going to drive-ins, watching Johnny Carson on TV and dividing up their casino profits.  Simply buy some Ronzoni pasta, throw in a pot over a stove and prepare some sauce.  See how simple?  Who says preparing native American dishes was complicated?

Cherokee Franks and Beans

Franks and beans! Franks and beans!

If you love history like I do then you are familiar with how the Cherokee Nation first introduced the white man to Franks and beans – a traditional native American food enjoyed by warriors for centuries.  Simply buy some hot dogs (known in family folklore by their traditional Cherokee name of “White man’s food by-product”) and some baked beans (preferably Heinz, the brand of baked beans my ancestors ate on the Trail of Tears).   Combine the two and enjoy.  I dare say your cheekbones will get higher just eating this tasty Cherokee treat.

Cherokee Pizza

Pizza: A traditional Cherokee food

Family folklore tells how the native American village my ancestors lived in was visited by General Custer and how they offered him pizza, a dish unknown to the white man.  Pizza, or in Cherokee, “Matafusha be nagafoochuck”, which I believe translates as “cheese, sauce and bread”  bridged the gap between Europeans and native Americans.  Of course Custer later burned the village to the ground and slaughtered the inhabitants when he discovered that they didn’t have deep dish.  But that’s a story for another day.

Cherokee Pub Crawl

Crawl the pubs, just like the  Cherokee did.

So you’ve had some delicious Cherokee food. Why not wet your whistle with another traditional Cherokee activity: the Pub Crawl! Family folklore has many tales of my ancestors bonding native American style by going from bar to bar while enjoying traditional Cherokee activities such as hitting on college students, playing darts, stealing coasters and vomiting in alley ways.

And there you have it readers. May you find as much joy and contentment in Cherokee heritage as I do.

(92)

None of this means anything if I can’t get laid

It’s Friday and that can only mean that the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ is buzzing with excitement. Because there’s nothing we enjoy more than sitting in a bar at 3 am on a Friday night promising much younger woman free drinks if they would agree to come back to our place.  Oh come on honey.  It’s just around the corner. I have beer in my fridge.  Just touch it!  What the hell’s your problem?  Touch it!

Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)

Because you are not as ego-driven as some signs you tend to hang back when you should be pushing your way to the front of the queue. This is why you have never known the touch of a woman.  That and your copious back hair. I mean come on dude. Are you a werewolf? Get yourself manscaped. And while you’re at it change your homepage at the office.When HR finds out about that Naked Asian Babes website you’ll be out of a job.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Sometimes things happen for no apparent reason. I mean sure that Aquarius at the bar next to you keeps talking about his back hair and asking to compare yours to his but it could be just a coincidence.  You haven’t stumbled upon a secret hangout for hairy-backed freakish men. And that “woman” who sat down next to you and seems interested?  Totally pre-op.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will thoroughly enjoy what happens today, even if others do not. This will be your defense at your trial. It was totally consensual. She just got a little freaked out by your selfie. Pro tip:  Buy her three drinks before sending her that picture of your penis.  You have to loosen them up first. Otherwise she’ll think you’re just an Aquarius geek with a hairy back.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Someone you live, work or do business with will find fault with some of the things that you choose to do today. Whether or not their comments are fair is beside the point (your back isn’t that hairy). The important thing is to buy that pre-op at the bar a drink before the Pisces does. You don’t want to be accused of being Cisgender normative do you?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

There is no point blaming yourself for events over which you have no control. Okay, maybe you had some control over what just happened. But let’s face it, pulling your penis out of your pants at a bar and letting people touch it for ten dollars is never a good idea. Besides, the pre-op at the bar has already done that and she has far less hair on her back than you do.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Have the confidence to try something different today, something that pushes back the boundaries of what you think of as possible. Maybe order a hard cider instead of a beer?  Or give that pre-op ten dollars to touch it. Either way it’s Friday night and it’s time to loosen up.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You are brimming with confidence at the moment. You had your back professionally shaved and that pre-op at the bar will let you touch it for free back at her place. It looks like things are finally going your way. Just watch out for the Aquarius at the end of the bar. He didn’t appreciate your joke about his back hair looking like a pony tail.

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22)

The Sun in one of the more sensitive areas of your chart tends to pour cold water on your plans but there is no need to feel bad about it.  So she’s going home with the Leo. There are plenty of pre-op fish in the sea. There are even apps you can download onto your phone to find one. Pro tip:  Shaving your back hair to spell out “I love cats” isn’t helping.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Don’t turn down a promising offer just because you are not sure you are up to the job. The pre-op wants to go home with you not the Leo. Look at the Leo. He’s disgusting. She wants you not him. No one will know you had sex with her.  That is until you post the photos on Instagram that is.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

Deep down you know you need to make changes. See that pre-op at the bar? Look at all the attention she’s getting. Perhaps you should begin hormone therapy and start your journey to self-identifying as a woman. Do you know how much pre-ops make in porn? You will finally be able to afford that new car!

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

What happens today will catch you off guard. Usually you’re the one who gets the pre-ops but it seems you have serious competition in this bar. Just flash some Benjamins and she will go home with you. And unlike last time she’s actually a pre-op not a hermaphrodite nor a post-op. Those freaks!

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Try to keep your more outrageous thoughts to yourself today. No one likes you. Your back hair makes gorillas envious and you certainly don’t have a chance in hell to pick up that pre-op. So just go home and clean the grout in your shower. You know you’re going to die alone anyway. You might as well have some dignity.  Besides, you will always have porn.

(25)