As I did with last week’s debate I was able to sneak into the  auditorium and steal President Obama’s notes.  And once again I was shocked at the lack of security.  There was a drone flying overhead but it just watched me.

And so without further adieu (hey that rhymes with deux!) I now present his notes.  Once again I challenge the FBI to arrest me!

We’re sitting down during this debate? No one told me this!  My hemorrhoids are killing me.

The face of terrorism?  You should see Michelle first thing in the morning.

The first question is on Libya.  Good.  I know all about Africa.  I was born there.

Shit did I just say “nuclear trees”?  Keep it together.  Keep it together.

There is one thing I’ve learned as Commander-in-Chief:  Blame it all on Bush!

How do we keep the Muslim Brotherhood out of power?  I’m sending the Black Panthers to Egypt to suppress the vote.

I AM playing a leadership role!  Do you know how often I’ve been on The View?  It takes leadership to look Whoopie in the eye.

I’ll be very quick…..as I said to Michelle last night.

No it’s not true that every time I lie my ears grow.

Teacher says every time a bell rings an ambassador dies in Libya.

What is America’s role in the world?  How the hell should I know?  I’m Kenyan.

I don’t like this moderator.  Come on and help a brother out.  Interrupt Romney!  Candy would!

Governor Romney, the math doesn’t work.  Just like my half-brother in Kenya.

I do not do anything premature.  Except for last night.  But I had a lot on my mind.  The debate and all……and by the way, thinking about baseball doesn’t work.

Intrusive inspections?  But enough about my prostrate.  Boo-yah!  That zinger will be remembered.

I didn’t attend any fundraisers while I visited Israel.  There was no need to attend a fundraiser.  No ambassadors had been killed.

We must fund research into traumatic brain injury.  It might help Biden.

Important:  Make eye contact with George Clooney. Hey, where the hell is George Clooney?

We must treat women with respect and dignity by giving them free birth control.

Attitudes about America have changed.  But not mine.  I still hate America.

Important:  We cannot afford to go back to the policies of the past four years when Bush was President.

In closing I’d just like to say that America is a great country.  Where else can an immigrant like myself become President?

And so once again, dear readers, it has been my pleasure to show you an inside look at the President’s thinking.

And once again I dare the FBI to arrest me.  Come on.  Arrest me.  Please.  I need the publicity.

(366)

In an explosive and far-reaching interview with CNN on Monday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton took “full responsibility” for everything bad that has happened in the history of the world.

It was me.  I take full responsibility.  I am the head of state.  I mean the Secretary of State.  This happened on my watch.  I am responsible.  Look no further than me.  Right here.  Look at  me.  Pay no attention to the President behind the curtain.

Original sin?  I gave Adam the fruit.  “Don’t worry I said.  I’ll take responsibility.”  The sack of Troy?  Happened on my watch.  I’m sorry. The Fall of Rome?  Me again. Raping virgins during the sack of Rome?  I must admit I got a little pleasure out of that one.  But I digress.

The assassination of Abraham Lincoln?  I’m the Secretary of State.  I was responsible for security at Ford’s Theater.

The Titanic?  In the fog of the North Atlantic I did not take seriously requests for more security from the Iceberg threat. 

The Beatles firing Pete Best?  I’m afraid I was the one who directed Pete to play like he did on the “Love Me Do” demo.  I accept full responsibility.

The Great Depression? Well actually that wasn’t my fault.  That was the Federal Reserve’s baby. 

But everything else?  I take full responsibility.

Despite Secretary Clinton’s stunning and noble admission of responsibility, the anti-tax, anti-big government, racist conservative element in America has cynically derided it as nothing more than an attempt to give political cover to President Obama.

Said one conservative blogger:

Oh come on.  Pete Best sucked.  The Beatles would have fired him anyway.  Hillary cannot take the blame for that.  The next thing you know she’ll be accepting responsibility for Olivia Wilde refusing the blogger know as Manhattan Infidel.   That’s his fault, not Hillary’s.  When will he ever learn that women do not find it sexy when you send them photos of your penis?

Secretary Clinton continues, in the face of irrational conservative opposition, to bravely accept responsibility for everything.

During a Monday afternoon press conference in Detroit, Yankee Manager Joe Girardi was discussing the Yankee’s offensive woes when he was interrupted by Clinton.

I’m sorry Joe but it’s my fault.  I was the one who told Curtis Granderson to swing at everything, even if it was in the next county.  I accept full responsibility for Robinson Cano walking around like a deer caught in headlights.  It was me and me alone.  This offensive drought happened under my watch.

A spokesman for President Obama said that he could not be bothered to comment on Clinton’s statements as he was busy prepping for his second debate with Republican challenge Mitt Romney, and even more importantly, an appearance on The View.

A spokesman for Pete Best said that Mr. Best appreciates Secretary Clinton taking responsibility for his firing and if he had only know this earlier he wouldn’t have “put that pot in Paul’s suitcase during his tour of Japan.”

(787)

Those who watched last night’s debate between President Obama and Republican Challenger Mitt Romney may have noticed both candidates frequently writing notes on a slip of paper.  You may have wondered, “What are they writing?”

After the debate was over I was lucky enough to slip past security (apparently more security was requested but turned down) and take Obama’s debate notepad.

Now many may be saying that I have no right to publish it.  But like the Pentagon Papers, this notepad  is simply too important to not see the light of day.  I now present President Obama’s debate notepad in all its entirety,

Start out by apologizing for wearing Karate work out clothes.  (This will show the country how manly I am.)

Important:  Do not look down!  Do not look down.  Look directly at teleprompter.  (God I hope they have a teleprompter!)

These debates are beneath a man of  my dignity and intelligence.  Sigh.  This Republican form of government isn’t for educated people.

I hope Savannah Guthrie’s here.  She’s hot.  Important:  Must remember to erase last comment before Michelle sees it.

I AM the foreign policy President!  I was born in Kenya, after all.  Note:  Erase that last comment before some tea bagger sees it.

Where the hell are Whoopie and Joy Behar?

There are 57 states.  There are 57 states.  57.  57.  Heinz 57 (love that stuff.)  57 shades of grey?  

Where the hell are Beyonce and Jay Z?

Must mention eliminating first amendment.  It offends Muslims.  God I’m smart.

I wonder what Michelle is buying right now?  Talk about a budget deficit. Note to self:  Erase that last comment before Michelle sees it.  When she gets angry I’m scared.

Where the hell is George Clooney?

We have to make sure the wealthy do more.  Except my donors of course.

Government doesn’t create jobs?  Just look at all the federal regulators working for my administration.

We are a nation of immigrants…….who vote Democratic in exchange for handouts.

I was raised by a single mom.  Except when my typical white grandparents raised me.

Remember:  No matter how badly Romney tries to rattle me I am clean and articulate.

Romney has nice hair.  I usually only go for Pakistani men but that white boy is tempting.  Mmm. Mmm.  Delicious vanilla!

Where the hell is will i. am?

I like this job. The perks are great.  Better not screw up.  My name is Barack Obama.  I own a mansion and a yacht.

Nobody likes me.  Thank god the moderator likes me. 

People can be so cruel  How can people be so cruel?  How can people be so heartless?  Easy to be hard.  Easy to be cold.  And especially people who care about strangers.  Who care about evil and social injustice  – I love that song.  Too many typical white people in the movie though.

Where the hell is Barbara Streisand?

Libya Libya Libya!  Who gives a damn about Libya!

Where the hell is Fergie?

Phew.  Debate almost over.  I have to fly out to Vegas for another fundraiser.

Note to self:  Remember to talk about fat cats and one percent at Vegas fundraiser.

$40,000 a plate should raise lots of money for commercials.

Finally!  Debate’s over.  Shake Romney’s hand.  Use a firm grip.  Like Michelle’s.

And there you have it readers.  Let the FBI arrest me.  This document must be made public!

(359)

The much ballyhooed debate between Vice President Joe Biden and his arrogant mere congressional challenger Paul Ryan went off last night as expected:  Joe Biden wiped the floor with the young upstart.

As an accredited member of the MSM (pending attorney general approval, of course) I had a chance to watch the debate with several of my colleagues.  What follows are their reactions.  Reactions which, I’m sure, all of my readers will no doubt share.

Biden won points on style

Several of the media remarked at how poised Biden looked at the podium.

“He looked amazingly lifelike” said one.   “Not once did he start drooling.”

Another noticed how fashionable his clothes were.

“He was dressed properly in mens clothing.  All the buttons on his shirt were buttoned.  He was wearing a tie, which frankly none of us expected.  It was a great change and looked much better than the usual bib he wears in public.”

Biden was the hands-down winner in the debate because of his forceful personality

The members of the media that I was sitting with all commented on his magnetic persona, which seemed to resonate in the air.  Unlike the timid and out-of-his-league Ryan, Biden seems to know who he was.  Literally.

“Almost every time the moderator called his name Biden recognized himself. Almost every time! There was only one time in the debate when the moderator said, ‘Mr. Vice President Biden’ and Biden turned to Ryan and said, ‘I think she means you.’ ”

Biden scored on substance

Unlike his challenger, the youthful Ryan, who kept trying to inject the tyranny of so-called facts and numbers into the debate, Biden refused to be drawn into that trap.

“He was magnificent.  He clearly relished the opportunity to put the young punk in his place.  He was at the top of his game.”

Said another reporter, “When Ryan brought up the unemployment rate, which was a dirty trick to do, Biden silenced him by mentioning his plan to lower unemployment by activating Skynet.”

Skynet sealed the deal

Biden’s mention of Skynet was the wildcard in the debate. He gambled and clearly won.

“Just the mention of Skynet seemed to throw Ryan off balance.  He didn’t know how to respond.  This was typical of how unprepared he (Ryan) was for this debate.”

Indeed Biden’s biggest applause of the night came when he detailed how Skynet would lower unemployment and help minorities.

“It’s a government program” said Biden.  “And the government is much more efficient that the capitalists.  Once Skynet is activated and the cyborgs take over,  there will be no unemployment.  The machines will put us to work.  Government machines.  And government cyborgs will be more compassionate than private-sector cyborgs, which my opponent seems to favor.”

And so on the basis of the evidence from the debate, I, with my fellow colleagues in the mainstream media, declare Vice President Joe Biden the clear winner.

And I’m not just saying that because I personally favor government-sector cyborgs.

(407)

As the Vice Presidential debate nears, both Vice President Biden and Paul Ryan have been huddled with their respective teams prepping for the debate.

In Vice President Biden’s camp, optimism reigns.

“We are going to crush Ryan” said an aide who wishes to remain anonymous.

Joe Biden is one of the intellectual lights of the Democratic Party.  He’s a deep thinker and an expert in foreign policy.  That’s where we are going to attack Ryan.  We’ve been in intense mock debates the past few days and the Vice President is more than ready.   He knows all the answers.  Why I just finished asking him who the Prime Minister of Zimbabwe was.  He replied, “Some guy” which, technically, is the correct answer.  So you see, we are very confident.  I just wish the debate was scheduled for earlier in the evening as we don’t like to keep the Vice President up past his bed time.

Over at Congressman Ryan’s camp, optimism also reigned supreme.  Said an insider with knowledge of Ryan’s prepping:

Congressman Ryan knows the facts.  He knows the numbers. He knows the issues.  He knows how much our debt is and how it is unsustainable.  And he’s going to constantly refer back to the facts.  This will no doubt confuse the Vice President.  Then when he starts crying Ryan will show his compassion by introducing Biden to the P90X workout. 

Dubbed the “Thrilla in Kentucky” by the networks, “Yeah the name sucks but we couldn’t find anything rhymed with Kentucky” the debate is expected to be closely watched by Americans, especially by those not watching The Vampire Diaries and Beauty and the Beast on the CW network.

No matter the outcome or who is dubbed the winner, the debate between the deep-thinking Biden and the numbers-crunching Ryan should be exciting.

And yes, already there are rumors of cheating by both candidates.

Vice President Biden’s camp had to deny reports that he will be fitted with a specially-designed diaper that will not only enable him to urinate without wetting his pants but also be fitted with a microphone that will allow off-stage handlers to give him answers.

Ryan for his part had to call a special press conference to deny reports of “Roid rage.”

I categorically deny any use of performance enhancing drugs by myself before this debate.  I have too much respect for the process to do that.  And anyone who says otherwise I will crush their puny torsos with my bare hands!

The last word will have to be Vice President Biden’s who when asked if he was prepared for the debate said:

I don’t like the people Mr. Obama sent to look after me. They keep asking me so many questions. And that makes my head hurt, you know like when I eat ice cream to fast.  Why can’t I just watch Arrow and Supernatural, on its new night on the CW Network?

Note:  Manhattan Infidel is not affiliated with the CW network.

Note note:  Manhattan Infidel is also not affiliated with the Burlington Coat Factory.

Note note note:  You know forget about that last note.  It was silly and has no relation to the important issues that will no doubt be discussed during the debate.

Note note note note: However the Manhattan Infidel is still not affiliated with the CW network.

Note note note note note:  The Manhattan Infidel would like to apologize for all the notes at the end of this post.  Sometimes he goes off the deep end.  He blames Jesus.

Note note note note note note: The Manhattan Infidel would like to apologize for apologizing for all the notes at the end of this post.

Note note note note note note note:  You know what, screw you!  You try entertaining America while simultaneously taking medication to combat the 16 known forms of venereal disease he has contracted.

Note note note note note note note note:  Okay make that 23 known forms.  (I spent the weekend in Paterson, New Jersey.)

Note note note note note note note note note: So, do you come here often?

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