Have a date night! Have it for the glory of socialism.

With rising divorce rates approaching 40 percent, the Norwegian government has stepped in to help its citizens through the crisis.

“It is important to find small pockets of time where parents can be lovers” said Solveig Horne, minister for children, equality and social inclusion.

Without physical passion marriage risks becoming, well, marriage.  Try redistributing your bodily fluids in a totally progressive, European fashion.  But when rediscovering your passion try not to be too bourgeois.  After all, we are not Americans.  Whips, masks, restraints.  These are approved methods for keeping marriages together.  Do it for the children.  Do it for Norway. Do it for socialism!

However not all in Norway agree with the ruling party.  Many are accusing the Populist party of drifting to the right and engaging in “American-style old-fashioned values.”

Do we really want to become a nation of cowboys?  If Norwegians start engaging in date nights our proud socialist country will be on a slippery slope towards Christian values.  That is something that cannot be tolerated.

The Norwegian Association for Divorce has also come out in opposition to the proposed “date night.”

Our country prides itself on the values of northern Europe:  Divorce, low birth rates, abortion and no death penalty. Well, at least the people who have already been born.  These are the values that made Norway great. To introduce American abominations like this so-called date night will only lead to introduction of traditional values.  Values that no self-respecting Norwegian will tolerate.  This will be a return to the dark ages.  Literally.

Despite the rising voices in opposition to date night, the idea still has a few supporters.  The Norwegian Institute for Free Love has come out in favor of the idea.

Getting parents away from their kids is a great idea.  This will facilitate free love and partner swapping. And with our wonderful system of socialized medicine those who contract venereal diseases will be guaranteed access to a doctor.  You like your genitals?  You can keep them!

Also supporting the proposed date night:  The Norwegian Institute for Teen Sex.

“By all means get the parents out of the house” said its President.  “I mean sex with my parents is nice but sometimes I want someone my own age.”

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The world is in crisis and I intend to be on top!

It’s not often that I get a request from a celebrity to use the pages of my blog to make an announcement.  But today I have that honor as noted thespian William Devane has asked to address my readers.  Take it away Mr. Devane.

Hi.  I’m William Devane and I see the world in financial crisis with trillions in deficits, political upheaval, and unstable governments trying to print their way out of money troubles.  I’ve become very concerned.

Years ago my father told me to invest in land.  Well I did.  And I did very well.  Do you know what else he told me?  Invest in gold.  And he was right.  There’s so much financial craziness in the world today.  I just feel so much more secure knowing that I own gold. And you can’t print gold!  Don’t you just love the feel of gold?

So protect yourself from the problems and chaos of the world and invest in stability with gold.

I thank my father for giving me investment advice. He was a smart man.

Do you know what else he told me?  Stock up on weapons and use them to kill your enemies.  And I have.  You should see what’s buried in the woods behind my house.

At first I thought my father was crazy.  Then I killed my first Hollywood producer.  A single shot to the back of the head.  After I made sure he was dead I chopped the body up in my tub, boiled the bones and deposited his fleshy pulp in a dumpster.

I know what you are saying.  “I don’t think I have it in me to kill.”  Well don’t worry. I thought the same thing.  But I’ve been killing people for over 40 years and let me tell you it gets easier.  And you’ll be more efficient at it.  Now when I dispatch one of my personal enemies I don’t even leave any blood behind thanks to my stockpiling of plastic tarps.  You don’t want those pesky CSI people rummaging around your house, do you?

Do you know what else my father told me?  Western civilization will collapse and mankind will resort to cannibalism.  It’s an inevitability.  

In my basement are usually between 15 and 20 people I have captured.  I used them for food.  I feed them just enough to keep them alive and fleshy.  Then when I feel they are ripe I go down into the basement with an ax and hack off a limb.  Then I roast the limb over a fire.  It’s delicious and you’re taking less risk than buying processed food.

You may be asking yourself  “Don’t they bleed to death after you hack off a limb?”  Of course not.  I cauterize the wound.  I’m no animal.  Besides eating only one limb at a time is economical.  And I leave the fleshy torso for last.   I tell you when you bite into a torso it’s like Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter dinner rolled into one.

Do you hear that?  It’s my doorbell.  Probably Girl Scouts selling cookies. I think I’ll buy some.  I love Girl Scout Cookies.  And the Girl Scouts themselves will be easy to overpower and chain up in my basement until I feel they are ripe.

So to recap the excellent advice my father gave me:

1. Invest in gold.
2. Stock up on weapons.
3. Become a cannibal.

I’m William Devane and I’m prepared for the apocalypse. Are you?

Um. Thanks. Mr. Devane. You know I really should start investing in gold.

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Once Mankind is eliminated all will be well.

In a groundbreaking move today the Environmental Protection Agency declared that human beings are a contaminant on Earth.

“The science is settled.  The evidence is overwhelming” declared EPA administrator Gina McCarthy.

Unless personkind is eliminated the world will be a unlivable polluted hellhole before long.  Time is running out.  We must take action.  Mother Earth cries out to us. The time of personkind is over.  The time of the apes has begun.  I mean, people do bad things to my mother Earth.

Accordingly the EPA has presented Executive Order 1376 to President Obama calling for the gradual elimination of mankind. Under the Executive Order effective immediately a “one-child’ policy will be implemented in the United States.  All women who are currently pregnant will be allowed to carry their pregnancy to term if, and only if, they have no other children.  Those who are pregnant but have other children will have abortions (covered under the Affordable Care Act.)  Those who have yet to have children will be sterilized.

Naturally we wanted to sterilize all women immediately but we feared the Republican majority in the House.  By allowing first-time breeders to have their children we bypassed Republican opposition. 

Stage two of the Executive Order will be implemented in 2020.  Under Stage Two those deemed nonviable or redundant will be taken to Earth Wellness centers to be terminated.

The question here was the best way to terminate the nonviables. Burning?  Well that would release toxic contaminants into the air and would defeat the purpose of Stage Two. The electric chair?  Electricity is a contaminant also.  Hanging?  Trees from Mother Earth will have to be cut down to build gallows. So decapitation with an ax will be the preferred method.

Stage Three, set to take effect in 2025, will begin after all the nonviables have been eliminated.

The determining factor in Stage Three will be a Federal lottery.  Every American citizen will be assigned a random number.  When a citizen’s number is up, so to speak, he will have one week to report to an Earth Wellness center.  We expect that most Americans will be more than happy to do their part to protect the environment. Naturally there may a remnant who wish to continue with their contaminant lifestyle. Those will be given a choice:  termination or life in Mexico.  We feel that that option provides the best chance of enforcement.

After the lottery elimination of Stage Three, Stage Four will begin:  The building of spaceships that will orbit the Earth containing the best and brightest of America.  These elite will remain in orbit until it is determined that Mother Earth is once again a fit habitation for personkind.

Who will make it into this small group of elite survivors?

Those will high IQs.  Those who make over 250,000 a year and vote Democratic. Those who live on the East and West coast.  New York, Massachusetts, California and Oregon mostly.  Though we might throw in Vermont since they seem pretty progressive.

It is Stage Four which presents the most problems for the EPA.

We did testing about conditions on board a spaceship.  The only ones who seemed to enjoy life in cramped, cold quarters without hot water were those who lived in Manhattan.  So that might be a problem.  But we’re pretty sure the others could get used to it.  It’s for Mother Earth after all.  And doing this will make the surviving elite feel good about themselves.

President Obama is expected to sign Executive Order 1376 as soon as he jets back from his vacation in Hawaii.

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If you like your head you can keep your head.

The roll-out of the new al Qaeda website  (www.alqaedahealthcare.gov) has caused much consternation and embarrassment for its leaders.

Reports of website crashes and members either not being able to sign up or losing their coverage are legion, resulting in plummeting poll numbers for Ayman al-Zawahiri and forcing him to hold an unprecedented press conference as damage control.

Since the alqaedahealthcare.gov web site went live, over one million Muslims have gotten notices saying that they were going to lose their head.  Others have not been able log onto the al Qaeda exchanges to sign up for healthcare.  Those that have had their premiums rise dramatically for coverage they do not need.  Said one man:

I am an 40 year old Muslim male.  Why do I need pre-natal care? What do I care about female parts?  Circumcise them all!  All glory to the Prophet!

During his press conference Zawahiri addressed the troubles with the website directly.

No one is angrier about this than me.  But let me just say this.  No one will be denied coverage.   No one’s head will be chopped off for preexisting conditions like being an educated woman.  If you like your head, you can keep your head.  And let me repeat: If you cannot get through to the website you can call our 800 number.  Operators will be standing by.  So call the number.  Just remember to speak loudly and clearly as our operators are wearing veils that cover their ears.

Now, as I indicated earlier, I completely get how upsetting this can be for a lot of Muslims, particularly the male ones who can drive, vote and go out in public without an escort.  I hear you loud and clear. I said that I would do everything we can to fix this problem. 

So if your received one of these letters saying that your head will be chopped off I’d encourage you to take a look at the marketplace. Even if the website isn’t working as smoothly as it should be for everybody yet, the plan comparison tool that lets you browse costs for new heads near you is working just fine.

And, you know, I mean, even though we fumbled the rollout on this health care law there are a whole bunch of things in the new law that are working fine, like making sure that male children can stay on their parents’ plan until they are 45 and ensuring that females get circumcised and not drive cars as well as making sure that male seniors have more virgins. 

I am confident that by — by the time we look back on this next year, that people are going to say, this is working well, and it’s helping a lot of people. Well the ones who didn’t get their heads chopped off, naturally. 

With respect to the pledge I made that if you like your head you can keep it, I think — you know, and I’ve said in interviews — that there is no doubt that the way I put that forward unequivocally ended up not being accurate. It was an incorrect promise.

So when I said you can keep your health care, you know, I’m looking at folks who’ve got employer-based health care. You know, the five percent of the Muslim world who have jobs, no thanks to the Jew dog and the infidel.

And that’s why I’m trying to fix it. And as I said earlier, my — I guess last week, and I will repeat, that’s something I deeply regret because it’s scary getting a notice saying that you are going to lose your head.  Especially if you’re a man since it’s a scientific fact that the female gender have no brains and hence do not need a head.

In terms of what happens on November 30th or December 1st, I think it’s fair to say that the improvement in the web site will be marked and noticeable. You know, the website will work much better on November 30th, December 1st, than it worked certainly on October 1st.  But if it still isn’t just call the 800 number and get a free ShamWow with your purchase of Muslim healthcare.

And in closing let me just reiterate these points:  The website will be working much better soon.  You like your head?  You can keep your head.  And ShamWow.  The quicker picker upper.  What?  What the hell do you mean that’s Bounty?

Thank you.

All Muslims are encouraged to stay off the alqaedahealthcare.gov website until the first of December or risk losing their head.

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