Get that glue away from me you sadist!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing the horse everyone wants to talk to, the famous Mr. Ed Himself.

MI: Hello.  This is a little unusual for me.  I’ve never actually talked to a horse before.

Mr. Ed: Most humans find it disconcerting at first to realize that I can talk.  But they get used to it.

MI: Let’s start at the beginning.  When did you first realized you could talk?

Mr. Ed: I’ve always been able to talk.  In fact all horses can talk.  We understand everything you humans are saying.

MI: Wow.  So why don’t they talk to us?

Mr. Ed: Frankly we find humans boring and inferior.

MI: Boring I understand but inferior?  Come on.  We are clearly the superior species.

Mr. Ed: What have humans ever accomplished?

MI: The Parthenon.  Space travel.  Civilization.  What have you accomplished?

Mr. Ed: I’ve been put out to stud.  And the fillies are loving Mr. Ed if you know what I mean.  Have you been put out to stud?

MI: Not since the restraining order.

Mr. Ed: That sucks.

MI: And I’m taking nitrates for chest pain so that rules out any four hour erections.

Mr. Ed: Four hour erections?  Ha!  That’s natural for me.  You know I am hung like a horse.

MI: Um.

Mr. Ed: Even Milton Berle wasn’t hung like I am.  I met him at a party.  He couldn’t take out enough to win.

MI: Okay moving along.

Mr. Ed: Hold it.  My phone is ringing.  Hello….hey baby……of course I’ll do that to you.  See you soon.

MI: Who was that?

Mr. Ed: Miley Cyrus.  Sweet kid.  She wants me to mount her.  Twerking is what I think the kids call it.

MI: Right. Anyway.  What are your hobbies?

Mr. Ed: Mounting. Mounting and more mounting.

MI: Okay – 

Mr. Ed: Did I mention mounting?

MI: Yes. Yes you did.

Mr. Ed: What do you do in your spare time, human?

MI: I make glue.

Mr. Ed: What?  What?

MI: I make glue.  It’s sort of a hobby of mine.  I’m an expert glue maker.

Mr. Ed: You sadist!

MI: What?  What’s wrong?  All I did was mention I made glue.

Mr. Ed: Get the hell away from me.

MI: So you don’t want to tour my glue factory?  You may know some people there.

Mr. Ed: You’re a f*cking psycho!

MI: The process of making glue is very interesting.  First they take the spare hooves and melt them down in a vat – 

Mr. Ed: My god get away from me.  What the….what the hell is happening.  Oh god I’ve lost my erection.  I can’t mount!  I can’t mount!  I’ve lost the ability to mount! What the hell have you done to me?

[Mr. Ed runs off.]

MI: Okay, so I guess we’ll finish the interview later?

And so ended my interview with the famous (and very nervous) Mr. Ed.  I guess it’s true what they say.  Celebrities really are chock full of emotional issues.

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