Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing the horse everyone wants to talk to, the famous Mr. Ed Himself.
MI: Hello. This is a little unusual for me. I’ve never actually talked to a horse before.
Mr. Ed: Most humans find it disconcerting at first to realize that I can talk. But they get used to it.
MI: Let’s start at the beginning. When did you first realized you could talk?
Mr. Ed: I’ve always been able to talk. In fact all horses can talk. We understand everything you humans are saying.
MI: Wow. So why don’t they talk to us?
Mr. Ed: Frankly we find humans boring and inferior.
MI: Boring I understand but inferior? Come on. We are clearly the superior species.
Mr. Ed: What have humans ever accomplished?
MI: The Parthenon. Space travel. Civilization. What have you accomplished?
Mr. Ed: I’ve been put out to stud. And the fillies are loving Mr. Ed if you know what I mean. Have you been put out to stud?
MI: Not since the restraining order.
Mr. Ed: That sucks.
MI: And I’m taking nitrates for chest pain so that rules out any four hour erections.
Mr. Ed: Four hour erections? Ha! That’s natural for me. You know I am hung like a horse.
MI: Um.
Mr. Ed: Even Milton Berle wasn’t hung like I am. I met him at a party. He couldn’t take out enough to win.
MI: Okay moving along.
Mr. Ed: Hold it. My phone is ringing. Hello….hey baby……of course I’ll do that to you. See you soon.
MI: Who was that?
Mr. Ed: Miley Cyrus. Sweet kid. She wants me to mount her. Twerking is what I think the kids call it.
MI: Right. Anyway. What are your hobbies?
Mr. Ed: Mounting. Mounting and more mounting.
MI: Okay –
Mr. Ed: Did I mention mounting?
MI: Yes. Yes you did.
Mr. Ed: What do you do in your spare time, human?
MI: I make glue.
Mr. Ed: What? What?
MI: I make glue. It’s sort of a hobby of mine. I’m an expert glue maker.
Mr. Ed: You sadist!
MI: What? What’s wrong? All I did was mention I made glue.
Mr. Ed: Get the hell away from me.
MI: So you don’t want to tour my glue factory? You may know some people there.
Mr. Ed: You’re a f*cking psycho!
MI: The process of making glue is very interesting. First they take the spare hooves and melt them down in a vat –
Mr. Ed: My god get away from me. What the….what the hell is happening. Oh god I’ve lost my erection. I can’t mount! I can’t mount! I’ve lost the ability to mount! What the hell have you done to me?
[Mr. Ed runs off.]
MI: Okay, so I guess we’ll finish the interview later?
And so ended my interview with the famous (and very nervous) Mr. Ed. I guess it’s true what they say. Celebrities really are chock full of emotional issues.
(3635)
Maybe Ed should run for office in Massachusetts. Mounting is what their politicians are best known for.
His ancestor served in the Roman senate under Caligula; he would be perfectly at home with the jack asses serving in our congress today.