Iron Man Victim of Oxidation

I hate rust!

I hate rust!

Billionaire CEO Tony Stark, better known as Iron Man admitted today he is thinking of retiring his alter ego.

“As you know Iron will eventually fall prey to the elements” said Stark in a statement released to the press.

Given sufficient time and exposure to oxygen and water any iron mass will rust and disintegrate.  And, well, that’s what’s been happening to my suit.  So that’s why you haven’t seen me lately out in public preventing crime.  Jokes on me I guess.  I really should have made my suit out of steel.  But then I would be Steel Man and Superman has that copyrighted, the alien bastard.  I should send him some kryptonite.

According to Stark he has tried many methods to prevent his “super suit” from rusting.

I’ve tried galvanizing my suit.  I tried cathodic protection.  I almost electrocuted myself doing that.  I’ve tried painting my suit. I even installed a dehumidifier in my suit  but that didn’t prove practical.  I built a second suit as a backup.  All this costs money you know. I may be a billionaire but I got that way by watching my expenses. Besides I’m also a CEO and the board classified all this as a private expense so I couldn’t write it off.

Stark then went on to detail the man problems he’s had because of oxidation.

One time I was walking down the street, feeling good about being a superhero and I noticed a trail of rust flakes behind me.  I was flaking all over the street. I got a ticket for that and a visit from the EPA who fined me. They told me to cover my suit in paper when I go out so I won’t contaminate the environment.  I did but do you know how ridiculous I felt?  I looked like Lady Gaga for Christ’s sake.  Another time I was flying over the city when my engine crapped out.  It had rusted away to nothing and no longer could power the suit.  So I fell to ground.  Broke every damn bone in my body.  And then to add insult to injury as I was lying in the hospital I got a notice that my insurance was cancelled because it didn’t cover prenatal care.  Thanks Obama!  I can’t believe I voted for that smuck.

Stark maintains that while he enjoyed being a superhero and did much good for society, he won’t miss it once he hangs up his suit.

I’m spending most of my time now with my personal assistant, Pepper Potts.  What a babe!  And the sex between us is fantastic.  I mean, several times a day, swinging from chandeliers, all that stuff.  In fact we even use the Iron Man suit for role play. That’s probably the only good thing the suit can do now.  And not only is she sexually voracious, she gets me tickets to Coldplay whenever they are in town!  Apparently she knows one of the band members.

Despite his retirement Stark maintains that he may become a superhero again in the future if events work out in his favor.

“If I win my lawsuit against Superman I’m going to build me a steel suit.  Then I’ll be invincible” declared Starks.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, Pepper and I are going to the Coldplay concert.”


4 Responses

  1. Iron Man? Give me a break. That guy has to be older ….well, older than I am. He wants to upgrade to steel? This is the 21st century for cryig out loud! He should be thinking nanocarbon technology. Is he a product of Harvard? He’s probably a commie to boot. How else did he become a billionaire?

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      I think he’s also guilty of pursuing profit. Fortunately our dear leader has outlawed that and we can arrest him.

  2. The oxidation excuse is a cover story. Stark just can’t admit he hasn’t been able to get the solar and wind powered power supply, recently mandated by Obama’s DoD, to work reliably.

  3. petermc3 says:

    A solar panel on his ass should open the coffers for green iron ore technology.

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