Where the hell are my pubes, man?

Today at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel I am privileged to be the recipient of a visit from the lost boy from Never Land, Peter Pan himself.

MI: Good morning Mr. Pan.

PP: Please.  I ain’t no mister.  I’m a kid.  Call me Peter.

MI: Very well.  So tell me Peter, what’s it like living such a magical life and never having to grow up?  Most people would envy that.

PP: Envy?  Envy? Envy what?  Wearing green pajamas for life and spending all your time playing with the lost boys, most of whom you can’t stand.

MI: I don’t know.  It sounds like a stress-free existence.

PP: Stress free? Are you joking?  I’m a teenage boy.  I want to meet girls.

MI: That didn’t occur to me.

PP: Look at me!  Look at me!  What do you see?

MI: A teenage boy wearing green pajama pants (which are too tight by the way), a green shirt and a strange green hat with a feather.

PP:  Yeah, exactly.  You try hitting on girls dressed like this. They keep asking me if I’m from California.

MI: Lots of girls like boys from California.

PP: Yeah, then the ask me what I do and I tell them “I play with the Lost Boys.” They think it’s a rock band.  I have to tell them “No, the Lost Boys are friends of mine.  We play games all day in a magical land where we never have to grow up.” That’s when I lose them.

MI: I can see how that would turn them off.

PP: I ain’t even going to tell you what happens when I mention my pixie friend Tinker Bell and the pixie dust.

MI:Yeah, it’s best not to mention – 

PP: They congratulate me and say they’re all for marriage equality.  What the hell does that mean?

MI: Marriage equality is – 

PP: I just want some satisfaction.  I just want some girl reaction as the Stones said.

MI: Well don’t give up.  I’m sure plenty – 

PP: And another thing. Where the hell are my pubes, man?  I ain’t got no pubes yet.  I’m as hairless as sphynx cat down there.  I mean what the hell am I supposed to do?  Wait around and hope that Lance Bass hits me up?

MI: Too much information, bro.

[Tinker Bell enters and hovers over Peter Pan]

PP: Oh look who’s here.  My pixie friend.

Tinker Bell:  All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust!

PP: Oh go f*ck yourself!

[Tinker Bell leaves.]

MI: I think you were a little hard on Tinker Bell. She means well.

PP: Whatever.  You got a cigarette?

MI:  You really shouldn’t smoke.

PP: Hello.  No pubes here!

MI: Um. Take my pack, then. 

PP: Thanks.  Listen I got to go.  Me and some of the Lost Boys are going to play Cowboys and Indians.

MI: Sounds like fun.

PP:  Pubes man.  I’d give it all up for some pubes.

And so I left Peter Pan to go play games with his Lost Boys.  And to my readers I’d just like to say:  Appreciate your pubes.  You’ll never know when they’ll be gone.

(2348)