Today at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel I am privileged to be the recipient of a visit from the lost boy from Never Land, Peter Pan himself.
MI: Good morning Mr. Pan.
PP: Please. I ain’t no mister. I’m a kid. Call me Peter.
MI: Very well. So tell me Peter, what’s it like living such a magical life and never having to grow up? Most people would envy that.
PP: Envy? Envy? Envy what? Wearing green pajamas for life and spending all your time playing with the lost boys, most of whom you can’t stand.
MI: I don’t know. It sounds like a stress-free existence.
PP: Stress free? Are you joking? I’m a teenage boy. I want to meet girls.
MI: That didn’t occur to me.
PP: Look at me! Look at me! What do you see?
MI: A teenage boy wearing green pajama pants (which are too tight by the way), a green shirt and a strange green hat with a feather.
PP: Yeah, exactly. You try hitting on girls dressed like this. They keep asking me if I’m from California.
MI: Lots of girls like boys from California.
PP: Yeah, then the ask me what I do and I tell them “I play with the Lost Boys.” They think it’s a rock band. I have to tell them “No, the Lost Boys are friends of mine. We play games all day in a magical land where we never have to grow up.” That’s when I lose them.
MI: I can see how that would turn them off.
PP: I ain’t even going to tell you what happens when I mention my pixie friend Tinker Bell and the pixie dust.
MI:Yeah, it’s best not to mention –
PP: They congratulate me and say they’re all for marriage equality. What the hell does that mean?
MI: Marriage equality is –
PP: I just want some satisfaction. I just want some girl reaction as the Stones said.
MI: Well don’t give up. I’m sure plenty –
PP: And another thing. Where the hell are my pubes, man? I ain’t got no pubes yet. I’m as hairless as sphynx cat down there. I mean what the hell am I supposed to do? Wait around and hope that Lance Bass hits me up?
MI: Too much information, bro.
[Tinker Bell enters and hovers over Peter Pan]
PP: Oh look who’s here. My pixie friend.
Tinker Bell: All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust!
PP: Oh go f*ck yourself!
[Tinker Bell leaves.]
MI: I think you were a little hard on Tinker Bell. She means well.
PP: Whatever. You got a cigarette?
MI: You really shouldn’t smoke.
PP: Hello. No pubes here!
MI: Um. Take my pack, then.
PP: Thanks. Listen I got to go. Me and some of the Lost Boys are going to play Cowboys and Indians.
MI: Sounds like fun.
PP: Pubes man. I’d give it all up for some pubes.
And so I left Peter Pan to go play games with his Lost Boys. And to my readers I’d just like to say: Appreciate your pubes. You’ll never know when they’ll be gone.
(2357)
You are a heartless Ifidel. Why didn’t you tell Peter Panasy that he is not a “he” but a she and that the Lost Boys would love to play doctor with her?
Jim: I can’t protect people from their own stupidity. If Peter hasn’t figured it out yet then I can’t help him.