She hit me first!

Michael Avenatti, renowned lawyer for porn star Stormy Daniels (aka “The bravest, most empowered women in the history of the world because nothing says empowered more than sucking d*ck on camera for money”) was arrested Tuesday on suspicion of domestic battery (aka “beating the everliving shit out of your wife.”)

Naturally I want to help my readers make sense of this as I know many will be confused. How can Michael do this?  He’s a lawyer who represents porn stars and if you can’t trust a lawyer that represents porn stars then this country is not worth living in.

So presented for your approval is a series of questions that will allay your fears regarding this apocalyptic event.

• Michael Avenatti was arrested for suspicion of domestic battery. Should I be concerned?

Yes you should. This is obviously another trick by Orange Man Bad™ aka President Trump to destabilize our Republic.  Democracy dies in darkness. And domestic battery.

• I’m worried that the hero Avenatti will suffer from a rush to judgement and not get a fair trial or due process, like what happened to Brett Kavanaugh

Do not worry. The press will do all in its power to ensure that the presumption of innocence holds and due process is followed.

• Thank god. I do not want the hero Avenatti railroaded. But how do you intend to ensure that this happens?

Simple. We are going to slime and slander the woman who accused the brave hero Avenatti (lawyer to the brave, heroic porn star Stormy Daniels).

• But I thought we were supposed to #believeallwomen?

What are you, a Republican? #Believeallwomen is so October 2018.

• I’m sorry.  So I’m not supposed to #believeallwomen?

No. The only women that should be believed are women accusing Republicans. Women who accuse Democrats are traitors to their gender and should be publicly humiliated.

• Why?

Sigh. Do I have to explain everything to you?  Orange Man Bad!™

• But Orange Man Bad™ is only in the White House for a few years. When he leaves do we go back to believing all women?

Man you really are an idiot. No! Only accusers of Republicans are to be believed. Even after Orange Man Bad™ leaves office.

• I see. So believe women who accuse Republicans only.

Yes. Now you are getting it. Avenatti is a Democrat. As a Democrat he is a hero to women. Not like those awful, backward Republicans. So even if he did hit the woman it is her duty and honor to let herself have the crap beaten out of her by a Democratic hero.

• Interesting. Why is this?

Democrats, unlike Republicans, can be counted on to be pro-abortion. Abortion is the glue that holds our society together. Abortion is part of the sacred social compact that allows civilization to continue.

• How so?

Let’s face it. No one believes in God anymore. That used to be the glue that held us together. A shared belief system. But in this post-Christian society we need a new bond. That bond is abortion. It works this way. A Democratic male tells a woman he believes in female reproductive freedom. The female responds by getting moist where it counts and letting the man stick his member in hers, thereby ensuring the continuation of the human race.

• Wow!  Thank you for enlightening me.  

It’s what we social justice warriors do best.

• One last question before I go.  Suppose Avenatti had been a Republican. 

Then sadly it would have been our duty to #believeallwoman and see that he goes to jail.

• One’s political affiliation can change the situation that drastically?

ORANGE MAN BAD!™

I hope this answers all my readers questions.

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