This is based on real science!

If there’s one thing my many readers one reader always ask me it’s “What is my horoscope?” when are you going to stop sending me nude selfies. Well worry no more for I have listened to your concerns my lawyer insists on no more nude photos and here is your horoscope.

Enjoy.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You have a tendency to worry that things are worse than they actually are. So it won’t come as a shock when this week things actually are worse than they seem.  Your job? Soon to be laid off.  Your wife?  Leaving you for a heavily tattooed punk rocker. That constipation? Ass cancer. Your car? Needs a new transmission. But on the bright side. Oh who am I kidding. Things are really that bad.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Mars is moving into your birth sign. And by Mars I mean the neighbor and by birth sign I mean your wife’s vagina. On the bright side you will have instant props in prison for killing your wife’s lover. And you’re not an Aquarius. I mean ass cancer. Eww.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

What happens over the next few days is sure to take you by surprise. I mean I’d be surprised too if my teenage daughter told me she was transitioning to become a male and that gender is a fluid thing. Kinda makes you nostalgic for when your biggest concern was her “I take it in the ass” tattoo. But remember, change is the only constant. Especially if you have a tattooed daughter who is soon to be your son.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Whatever your current problem is it’s not worth getting worked up about. Unless its your upcoming indictment for securities fraud. But don’t worry. With your financial insider knowledge the other prisoners will be fighting each other to make you their bitch.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Something will happen this coming week that makes you wish you had been a bit less impulsive. It’s called genital herpes. But unlike that impulsive weekend fling that you had convinced yourself was true love, genital herpes will stick around forever.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

What happens over the next few days will impress on you the need to be flexible. Don’t be too rigid. Especially when your erection lasts longer than four hours. Seriously. Get that checked out. I told you cocaine and Cialis was a bad combination.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You are strongly advised not to make any moves on your own over the next few days. The FBI has you under surveillance so stay cool and pretend nothing is wrong. Even though everything is wrong. I told you that “I support the second amendment” bumper sticker would one day come back to bite you on the ass. Which sounds almost as painful as ass cancer. (Just ask an Aquarius.)

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Even if you go out of your way to explain why you did what you did it’s unlikely you’ll get much sympathy. I mean drilling a peep hole in the high school girls’ shower so you can watch is pretty sleazy. So no sympathy. Oh who am I kidding. You’ll be hailed as a genius by men everywhere. Perhaps this knowledge will console you in prison.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

At some stage over the next few days you will realize that you have been too hard on yourself. Okay so that’s rationalizing bullshit. What you did was wrong. It is NEVER appropriate to masturbate at a funeral.  You sick Libra f*ck!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

There is no point trying to explain your motives to people who either can’t understand or won’t understand. So you kept your mother’s corpse in the attic for a few years. Like that’s against the law! Well actually it is. (Except in Florida.) Enjoy prison you mamma’s boy.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You have changed your mind so many times of late that some people have now come to expect it of you.  Do I kidnap my neighbor’s teenage daughter or don’t I?  Come on make up your mind. People respect a person who can make a decision. Oh, and you are going to jail. But on the bright side you finally made a decision that didn’t involve pizza.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You will most likely be rushing here, there and everywhere as the new week begins in a desperate bid to outrun the FBI, the ATF, Homeland Security and armed guards from several private, municipal and State authorities. What did you do to bring all this down on you? You’re a Capricorn, aren’t you?  The authorities are just being proactive. After all, most serial killers are Capricorns. That’s a fact.

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