Christ I didn’t find shit. This is going to be embarrassing

After a year and a half it appears that the probe into possible Russian collusion in the 2016 Presidential race is coming to a conclusion. As to what Trump will be indicted for (and it is a forgone conclusion he will be indicted for something) there is much speculation on Capitol Hill.

“I saw Mueller the other day” said a source at the Justice Department.

He was sweating a river. No seriously he looked like Robert Hays in Airplane when he’s in the cockpit. Just buckets of sweat. I asked him what was wrong and he said “Jesus Christ I’ve spent a year and a half and taken millions under the table from the Democrats to prove collusion and indict Trump but I haven’t found shit! Nada!  Zilch! I got to indict the bad orange man for something! My legacy is at stake!“

It was then that Mueller huddled in his office with those on the special prosecutor’s team to think of something to indict Trump for.

We did find that he had failed to pay a 75 dollar parking ticket from 1988. We considered indicting him for that. But the detestable orange billionaire would just pay the fine. We then discovered that once when he was a teenager in the 1960s he snuck into a screening of A Hard Days’ Night without paying. We were pretty confident that if we indicted him for that the world would unite behind us. I mean who doesn’t love the Beatles? And to think that the bad orange man desecrated the Beatles by watching the movie for free would outrage everybody. But then we remembered that all of us had snuck into movies at some point. We also found out that he thinks Sylvester McCoy was the best Doctor Who. We thought of indicting him for that. I mean. Come on. Sylvester McCoy?

However since liking Sylvester McCoy is not technically illegal “But we’re working on that” and since they couldn’t tie McCoy to the Russians it was decided to indict Trump for being mean.

One day we noticed Mueller’s secretary was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said “Trump is so mean! Why must he bully that poor, brave reporter (Jim Acosta) like that! Someone should do something about it.” That’s when it hit us.  Indict him for being mean!  No one likes a bully! And if we indict him for making people cry they will forget the reason for the probe in the first place and that we found no evidence he colluded with the Russians. In fact all we found was evidence the Democrats colluded with the Russians but naturally we are not going to indict any Democrats. Against Justice Department policy you see.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller has announced that President Trump has been indicted for “Collusion to be mean and make people cry.”

“We got the bastard now” Mueller was heard to say.

A reporter then asked Mueller about Hillary Clinton’s email server and if she would be indicted for that.

Mueller then doxxed him and sent Antifa to his house.

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