Dracula’s vampire records are now in doubt

Count Dracula has had his vampire credentials temporarily revoked after being suspended by the American Association of Vampires (“AAV“) for blood doping.

“The mission of the American Association of Vampires is to ensure fairness and transparency” said its president.

We want a fair competition among our vampires. The public deserves to have no doubt that their beloved vampires are not cheating. The explosive growth in vampire watching is in no small part because the public believes they are watching a fair competition. Dracula has placed this trust in doubt by his actions. Therefore we have no choice but to suspend him for the 2019 vampire biting season.

According to reports Dracula had been doping, or diluting, his blood with untainted human blood in order for him to “turn” more humans.

“By diluting his blood he gains the ability to turn humans during the daylight hours” said a blood doping expert.

As you know vampires are only able to come out at night. So they could only turn humans during the nighttime hours. This greatly reduced the number of humans they could bite. Frankly the only ones they could bite at night were prostitutes and IT professionals. But Dracula, being able to now bite people during daylight hours, greatly increased his bite numbers. Is it any wonder he was the bite champion of the AAV for three years in a row? This isn’t fair to the other vampires who couldn’t approach Dracula’s numbers. 

Dracula denies blood doping and says his large “turn” numbers are the result of his natural gifts.

I’ve never blood doped in my after life! I would never dilute my blood. I’m proud to be a vampire. This is just a witch hunt. The other vampires are just jealous and want to challenge the position I have attained because of my strength and cunning. Yeah I bite people during the day. But not because I’m doping. I wear a hat and sunglasses. And I use an umbrella. I don’t understand why none of the other vampires have thought of it before, frankly. It’s not my fault these traditionalist vampires are so set in their ways.

Dracula also claims that he is a victim of the institutional racism of the AAV.

They don’t like Eastern Europeans. There. I said it. I’ll say it again. They don’t like my kind. It’s a scandal. Every vampire knows about it but no one wants to talk about it. Meanwhile the AAV is promoting all the younger Hispanic vampires.

If he is not reinstated soon Dracula has threatened to quit the AAV and go to Europe to compete.

I could rack up some huge numbers on the continent. But where?  I first thought of Italy. I could bite the entire country. But you know Italians. They drink so much wine and I don’t drink wine. Yo no bebo vino!

After ruling out Italy Dracula settled on Ireland.

“I like beer. I still like beer. That’s the country for me!”

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