This is all Donald Trump’s fault
When the news of the school shooting in Florida broke we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ sprang into action.
Okay, we put our pants on. Okay, we put our underwear on. Okay we remained naked.
But eventually we traveled down to Florida to help with the narrative: It is important that this shooting be used as an excuse to embarrass Republicans and Donald Trump.
When I arrived at the scene I saw many injured, bleeding students.
I approached one such active bleeder and asked him what happened.
MI: What happened?
AB: I’ve been shot.
MI: Are you a registered Republican?
AB: What has that got to do with it?
MI: Because if you are I can lecture you now about the dangerous Second Amendment.
AB: Please I’m bleeding rather heavily. Can you apply a tourniquet?
MI: I’m sorry. I’m just a reporter. It’s not my job to get actively involved in the narratives I cover.
AB: I’m losing consciousness.
MI: You Republicans deserve to be shot.
With active bleeder no. 1 unconscious I moved on to active bleeder no. 2.
MI: Are you conscious?
AB #2: Yes but not for long.
MI: Has this changed your mind on gun control?
AB #2:Please sir get an ambulance.
MI: Are you an alt-right white nationalist?
AB #2: What? Please help me!
MI: If only you Republicans would admit the error of supporting gun rights I might help you but this is karmic justice. Before you lose consciousness I have one final question: Did you see the shooter? Was it Donald Trump? Technically that’s two questions. But since you’re a Floridian you probably don’t understand math.
AB #2: What?
MI: You are bleeding out right now because Donald Trump is literally Hitler!
AB #2: Tell my mother I love her!
MI: You’ll tell her yourself son. In hell!
Active bleeder no. 2 then lost consciousness. The nerve of these hicks. Don’t they realize I’m a member of the MSM from New York?
Since all the active bleeders were unconscious I knew no further narrative could be accomplished and left hick Florida to return to sophisticated New York.
What have we learned from this shooting? A few things:
- Republicans deserve to be shot.
- Our founding fathers were alt-right white nationalists who wanted guns to shoot brown people.
- Donald Trump is literally Hitler.
Hopefully we can use this shooting to abolish the Constitution and appoint a strong leader to rule America. A charismatic leader who will take away all privately held guns and use his power of Divine Right to bring about a socialist workers paradise.
And that man is, I believe, Michelle Obama.
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That was a powerful piece of reporting, Infidel and yes, the right man for the job is Michelle Obama. But who will he run with? Rosie? Oprah?
Curious.
Rosie is Irish so that rules her out and Oprah is a robot. I’m thinking maybe Justin Trudeau.