An employee was triggered and pushed the wrong button

Just days after a false alarm about an incoming intercontinental ballistic missile, Hawaii (well technically the Hawaiian islands) was put on edge by another alarm sent out by the state’s Emergency Management Agency stating that a Republican had been sited and that people should seek shelter.

At approximately 8 am yesterday morning cell phones on Hawaii (well technically the Hawaiian islands) received the following alert:

Emergency Alert

There has been a Republican spotted in Hawaii

(Well technically the Hawaiian islands)

Seek immediate shelter

This is not a drill!

The alert started a mass panic in the solidly blue state.

“What the hell do we do?” screamed one woman as she threw herself on top of her children.

A missile from North Korea I am not afraid of. After all North Korea is a socialist nation and they only seek to live in peace with the world. It’s that damn Trump’s fault for riling him up. But a Republican being spotted in Hawaii?  Well technically the Hawaiian islands. There is no defense against this alt-right white nationalist hatred. I don’t mind dying and I will gladly sacrifice my life so my children can live in the purity of their leftist theology, untouched by capitalism or nationalism.

Many sought shelter in basements and tunnels. Several of Hawaii’s (well technically the Hawaiian islands’) tunnels were filled with cars.  Occupants of the cars joined hands and sang  Kumbaya.

“If this is going to be the end then this is how we Hawaiians’ (well technically we Hawaiian islanders) will go” said one.

The forces of hatred may have come to our shores but we will show the world that love trumps hate. Love will win over alt-right white nationalist Republicans. We will not bow before them. I mean sure right now we’re all huddled in a tunnel seeking safety but that’s just a technicality. Once this Republican has been arrested, beaten and contained in some sort of bunker away from the populace we shall come out and rejoice that love has once again won.

Some residents questioned how a Republican was allowed to enter Hawaii (well technically the Hawaiian islands) and called for stricter immigration rules.

“We Hawaiians are an inclusive people” stated one man as he placed his children in a manhole for protection.

We believe in open borders. But having said that there must be some common sense rules. If we start allowing Republicans into Hawaii (well technically the Hawaiian islands) then our quality of life will deteriorate. Instead of living in a socialist workers’s paradise where everyone is equal we will be transformed into a capitalist shithole. And no one wants that. So to recap. Open borders yes. Republicans no.

As for the false alert the Governor of Hawaii (well technically the Hawaiian islands) blames human error.

“An employee pushed the wrong button. But we are taking steps to ensure this doesn’t happen again. We have placed a yellow stick it note on the button that says ‘Do not push.’ We were hoping to put a plastic case around the button but we are already 50 billion in debt and Trump won’t give us more money.”

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