Goddamn government interfering with my business! I ought to harpoon a federal official!

Captain Ahab, commander of the Pequod has been ordered by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to “cease and desist” from hunting any more white whales.

“We have contacted Captain Ahab” said the Service’s director, Daniel M. Ashe.

And we have let him know that he has a responsibility to be a good steward of the planet’s resources.  Hunting white whales year round does not help the Earth. Whales are our brothers and sisters. They are our equals. Who hasn’t spotted whales from their residence on Martha’s Vineyard and been moved by the beauty of these majestic creatures. Ahab is killing these animals. This is immoral.  And more importantly he never applied for a whale hunting permit. Until we receive his application and the concomitant fee we have ordered him relieved of command and his first mate Starbuck placed in command. We also have requested that he return his artificial leg. A leg, we remind people, made from whalebone. Also illegal.

From the Pequod, Ahab has vowed to resist the Fish and Wildlife Commission.

So they want me to stop hunting white whales?  Maybe they’d be happier if I hunted whales of color? Who the hell are these bureaucrats to tell me what to do? Has any of them ever run a business? I’m a whaler on the front lines. This is how I make a living. This is how I provide for my wife and family.  Whaling is not immoral despite what these namby-pambys in Washington think. I’m a businessman. The whale oil I bring back to New England provides heat and comfort for the region. Okay, so maybe I should only hunt whales during whale hunting season instead of year round. But that’s just a technicality. And yeah perhaps getting a prosthesis made of whalebone was in bad taste but it looks great and really impresses the native women. Besides, I’m in the south Pacific. Since when did that fall under the jurisdiction of the Fish and Wildlife Service. So they can all suck it.

Adding to Ahab’s troubles is a recent run-in with Greenpeace activists who tried to board the Pequod.

“Who are these little shits” said Ahab.

I’m sitting in my quarters having dinner with my officers when we get an alarm that boats are coming up fast. Pirates I thought.  I was all set to go Tom Hanks on their ass when we realized it was Greenpeace. If I turn the fire hoses on these idiots the press will be all over me. So I let them board and unveil their “Stop hunting whales” banner. I was trying to find a way to get rid of them. So I invited them to my quarters for dinner. Being all vegetarians they were morally outraged by the meal, which was heavy in red meat. That’s when they left. Punks.

Because of Ahab’s intransigence a bill has been introduced onto the House floor calling for a permanent ban on whale hunting by all U.S. citizens.

“Screw it” said Ahab. “If that passes I’ll just start hunting congressman.”

The Fish and Wildlife Commission has given Ahab two weeks to return his whalebone leg.

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